advice

On Over-thinking…

2 months ago by

Dear Garance,

I struggle with “analysis paralysis” and perfectionism to the point where I feel like I can’t just get started (I had a group of your notebooks I left empty for years because I couldn’t decide on what the subject of each book should be). What techniques or practices have you integrated to develop strategies and execute plans when you’re feeling overwhelmed/anxious/stressed/insecure.

Merci, Shannon

__________________________

Dear Shannon –

I do too!!!

I am a pro at agonizing over the tiniest (yes, but also the biggest) decisions. From having a baby, buying a house, to which salad to get at the restaurant. Also, once I have ordered, it is entirely possible that I actually prefer what’s on my companion’s plate. It’s been one of the big issues of my life, as many of close friends can attest. It ended up becoming a problem, and I ended up having to address it.

And yes, you’re right. It stems from a curious perfectionism – but also, in my opinion, from a skewed vision of life. A life where there’s always something better, finer, perfecter. A life where mistakes are viewed as fatal, instead of contributing to our experience. A life where there would be, supposedly, a golden route better than all the other ones.

My house is a great example. We bought it last year. The first time we visited it, we hadn’t planned on visiting it but we drove by and there it was. We entered and right away, something felt good. A sense of peace. That feeling, that’s exactly what I was looking for. I remember breathing deeply. I remember telling Chris, “this might be it.”

Then, we revisited it, to make sure. I still loved it, but I started seeing some flaws. Was there enough light here? Was that house on the side a problem? That wall – would we need to knock it down? And here? Oh gosh, we need a window. I started doing a spreadsheet of all of the houses in the neighborhood – you know, just to compare. Then we offered an incredibly low price, just to try fate. It didn’t work. We offered a better price. It worked. OH SHIT. I started agonizing some more. I called friends to get their opinion. I drove everyone crazy by visiting it a million times, at every hour of the day. I am going to stop describing the agony here, because you know it very well, because this lasted for months, but not without telling you that we almost pulled out ten times. I drove everyone CRAZY.

And then, one day, because I had no choice, I said, “fuck it, let’s go for it.”

This is my life and this is going to be our house and if we fuck up we’ll just re-sell it. And we’ll have learned. And yes, we could have a more perfect-er house, but it would be more expensive-er. This is where we are now. Let’s just do it. And here we are, a year later – and we love it. We are so happy here, you have no idea.

And – the house? It’s not perfect. All the flaws that I had seen in the beginning? They are still here. Some, I learned to actually love. Some, I am learning to change. Some, I’ll just live with. Sometimes, I go to a friend’s place and I have house envy.

But then I go back home and – aaaaaaaaaah, that sense of peace, a feeling that everyone who visits our house feels. And there it is; the thing I love the most about this house has nothing to do with anything you could ever compare, it’s a feeling. And a year later it’s also something else, it’s my home. Uncomparable to anything else in the world.

So – dear Shannon, here are a few things I have learned, just for you.

– Your gut knows better than you. When you are not sure, when you are getting pummeled by questions, find a place of peace, meditate, go to the ocean, get on your bike…and listen to your institution.
– Your life is yours, your choices are what make you, you. There is no international standard of perfection you have to conform to. I know a few people who try – they try to live by the book, and have the proverbial “picture perfect life” – and these are often the people who carry the most anxiety: the quest for perfection is never ending wheel you get on. Get out of it. Life is not a race.
– The people I see that are most happy are also the most unapologetic, uncomparing, “doing their own thing” type of people. They own up to their mistakes and move on. I aspire to be like that everyday.
– Don’t ask for too much advice. People have good intentions, but they will project what is going on in their life at that moment. So for a big decision, ask a few people you trust – but don’t overdo it. I remember asking my Uber driver if he thought I should buy this house or not. Yep, when I say agonizing, I ain’t joking.
– Know that sometimes, we need to make a mistake – even if it’s a big one. I have friends who have married the wrong guy. I have friends who bought the wrong house. I have friends who had a kid too early – or who, like me, went at it too late. Most of them got transformed by the experience in a way that was priceless to them. They wouldn’t change a thing.

All this is to say, Shannon, I think perfection is way, way, WAY overrated. Even more if you’re a writer, or if you want to have any interesting stories to tell at the end of your life. My house is the same as your notebooks. I could still be there, undecided, waiting for a better house to show up on the market. Go on and live, write on your notebooks, screw them up if you need, get better at failing, get better at writing, and at understanding that it doesn’t matter what you pick, what matters is what you learn on your way, and what you make of it.

xo
G

18 comments

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  • I also have always struggled with decisions. What to wear? Which song to listen to? What to order at a restaurant? I decided a long time ago to develop systems to make these small decisions that would otherwise take up so much of my time. I have a clothing rotation, a semi-random music selection method etc. I realized that even if I don’t pick the perfect thing on the menu at restaurants, I can still have a good time. Part of the problem for me was trying to make the best decision, but it was also fear of making the same decision over and over again (ie. Wearing the same few outfits, listening to the same few songs, alway ordering the pasta etc.). I was afraid I would miss out or forget about the other things that I like.

  • Thanks for the fabulous advice Garance . Having lived a life full of anxiety , fear and depression I can honestly say that doing is the answer. As I heal I am aware that in indecision and inactivity are one of the roots of anxiety, and if left alone to depression. Therefore mindful descions and doing instead of just thinking are the answers .
    Jandrew
    Dress The Part
    http://www.jandrewspeaks.com

  • Garance, I love this more than I can say. Thank you. Life’s too short.
    <3

  • Eating up every word of this advice. Garance… I’ve missed you.

  • Lovely post!
    Here is a line from that Eternal Source of Wisdom, Facebook, that I read recently: The grass is not always greener on the other side. It is greener where you water it.
    A xxx

  • No puedo creerlo Garance, todo lo que describís, cada sentimiento, cada pensamiento, es lo que a mi me pasa todos los días, siempre digo que hasta dudo si tomar de postre un plátano o no tomarlo, !imagimate!.
    Yo también intento cada día no tener esa ansiedad por cada cosa que tengo que hacer pero me resulta difícil,.
    !como te comprendo! Yo también puedo consultar al taxista o si me apuras al señor que vende los tomates.

  • Yeah, very true. Perfection is overrated. What exactly happens when I fail, nothing. Simply go and do it different way. Always remember:
    “I haven’t failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” – Thomas Edison.
    And how famous finally became.

  • Laila Ghazal September, 16 2018, 10:18 / Reply

    In defense of perfectionism…
    There is a studied ink between perfectionism and giftedness. It is an area that still needs a lot of research. But the 2005 study of school age students I Australia has lots of insightful information about how perfectionism is a key part of giftedness. It also identifies healthy and unhealthy perfectionism. The gifted person often experiences both and sometimes rides a knife edge between both and ultimately learns to manage. I always cringe when perfectionism is flatly discouraged in young women without full understanding of it’s nature. Perfectionism can equal and create excellence and extraordinary accomplishment…something that draws us to this very website.

  • Ils assument leurs erreurs et passent à autre chose. J’aimerais être comme ça un jour….

  • J’applaudis! Vive l’imperfection et l’écoute.

    Et il y a le corrécteur automatique qui peut etre utile aussi :-)) Je rigole! Vive la vie!

  • “Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it.” – Salvador Dali

    If we keep looking at others, we’ll never truly experience or appreciate where we are or what is in front of us.

  • I feel like the e-mail was sent on behalf of me. Hi Shannon are you me?

    I enjoyed reading this post very much. Perfection is indeed overrated but sometimes I can’t help but craving it to the point of draining myself. I’ll try to remember your advice. Thank you so much for your wisdom, Garance!

  • Thanks Garance. I needed this today of all days.

  • listen to my institution? or you meant intuition?

  • I am the person that is so afraid of failing,so it’s hard for me to make decisions,especially the more important things .”get better at failing” ” it doesn’t matter what you pick, what matters is what you learn on your way, and what you make of it.”,I’ll make hard to learn that. Thanks Garance !

  • Chère Garance,
    merci pour ce texte qui résonne fort en moi. Je suis de ces personnes qui n’osent pas de lancer, qui n’osent rien commencer à cause du syndrome de l’imposteur, par manque de légitimité ou par peur de faire des erreurs. Sauf que… ce n’est pas ça la vie.

  • after a complete perfectionist breakdown I learned some language/cognitive tricks from a wonderful person Dr Pat Allen. Language changes brain chemistry. Avoid the words “should, have to, need” They create cortisol — the perfection driver. Replace with want/don’t want/will/will not. Feel the difference in your body when you say “I should clean out my closet” to “I don’t want to clean out my closet today. I will do it….” It made all the difference in the world in recovering from a zero/breakdown.

  • Magali Rack November, 12 2018, 9:33 / Reply

    Dear Garance!

    I relate so much with everything you say, and it feels great to be able to do so in a virtual kind of way, when I’m alone at home or in the bus.

    I would love to hear more about your beginnings, your personal story. I’ve listened to your podcast with Sophia Amoruso talking about how your started your blog, but I’m curious about the evolution of the blog to where it’s now.

    It would be great to hear about it :)

    P.S. I have never been able to leave my website url in the ”website” box. When I press send, it says Please Enter a URL when there is a URL. There seems to be a technical issue with that.

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