zero

Zero

2 months ago by

I did everything, everything, everything I could to manage on my own. And then one day, I cracked. It was like an implosion, like something ripped – something resolute and calm, like jumping into thin air.

Since then, I’ve put some words and images to the emotions. It was as if the house I’d been living in comfortably for years, thinking I knew every inch of it, was falling apart.

One day, I figured out that I probably had depression.

Everything had become difficult. Writing, laughing, loving. Everything was pain, and yet everything was hope. I knew all I needed was to get my head out of the deep pit I’d fallen into and everything would go back to normal, but the walls were slippery and each time I finally got my face close to the sun, I’d slip back down again. So the struggle continued.

And the struggle ended up taking up all the space.

———

If I had to trace back to the roots of my depressive state, I think I could make endless lists of reasons. New York life and its disillusions. Other people. Success, vertigo, pressure. The process of being a mature adult, which was both cruel and fascinating. And of course, my difficulty having a child, which brought back other unresolved pains from my childhood, always there, nagging, demanding my attention.

The list is infinite, but if I had to summarize it, I’d say: I lost contact with myself. I had changed, but I was still living as if I were the same person I was before.

So, convinced it was all just a bad mood, I waited for the person I used to be to come back. Scrappy, positive, confident, laughing about everything.

I was trying to call her back to me. Freshly arrived in LA, nothing and no one could keep me from my quest. Healers, shamans, hypnosis, it was all good for letting others handle my pain. Meditation, journaling, sound baths – I couldn’t stand listening to myself talk about myself anymore.

Through talking about my suffering so much, I had become my suffering.

But I was waiting for my revelation. Oprah culture had gotten into me. The culture of the epiphany, one of the pillars of the American fairy tale.

I even thought about going to take Ayahuasca – the thought of reinventing myself at lightning speed seemed promising. But deep down, I knew I was way, way too fragile. So, I continued to try climbing the walls, slowly.

———

Then one day, I ran into a little snag with my sister. Nothing serious, it was just a dark cloud that passed in a matter of minutes, but at the same time, it felt like an unprecedented heartbreak. My sister and friends had been keeping me going for months. Emily took over at work when I couldn’t do it anymore. Lolo was there every day worrying about me, probably sensing the abyss beneath my reassuring words and laughter.

But that day, I felt like everything I’d been carrying for years had suddenly become too heavy. I had become the empty shell of the person I was before, and only the people who really knew me could sense it and see it.

I just couldn’t do it anymore.
I didn’t think about dying, no. But I could see the thought out of the corner of my eye. It presented itself to me like a curtain had been lifted and suddenly you say “ah, I hadn’t thought of that before.” I’d never, ever think of that. Never! I said, lying to myself.

But thanks to that passing of death, I finally realized something wasn’t right with me. Suddenly, I was able to recognize my obsessive thoughts, my magical thinking, my general exhaustion and my anxiety attacks, which no amount of CBD oil was going to fix.

And finally, like a parent crazy with love and worry for their child, I got afraid for myself. I was afraid for my mental health. I realized I was passing through to the other side and it was dark.

———

I called the people close to me right away to tell them about my idea.

I’d need a good therapist, and a big dose of humility. But I had to do something. I wanted to go on antidepressants.

That shocked some people. Antidepressants? Chris was the first to say no. You can’t do that. You won’t be the same. No, no, no.

But I kept talking about it and little by little, I discovered how many people in my entourage were on them. They were surprised I was speaking so frankly about my fragility and thrilled to finally be able to share their experience openly. Everybody is on them, no one talks about, they said. And I got the impression that was true.

That reassured me. But it also scared me. Are we living in a society that puts us over the edge?
If that was the case, I had also fallen prey to all the pressure, and I was admitting defeat: I wasn’t strong enough to fight it alone.

I decided to find a serious doctor and that’s exactly what I did. I went back to therapy, where I cried rivers, and I went to see a fantastic psychiatrist who asked me millions of questions and together, we decided on a very low-dose treatment plan.

Thanks to him, I discovered I had a real problem with insomnia. Sleep quality is one of the first things that influences mental health. Thanks to him, I learned the overwhelmed feeling I’d had for years was a sign of depression. He pointed out millions of details I’d thought were insignificant, but to him, they told my story and defined my pain.

I’d been letting all these small imbalances come into my life and progressively get worse for years.

———

I started my treatment the week Anthony Bourdain died. Anthony Bourdain, who I often cite as one of my idols. Anthony Bourdain with the marvelous life, just like me. Anthony Bourdain who was in love, a young dad, admired by everyone.

No one understood. “But he had everything to be happy!”
Me, I cried about it, but I totally understood.

———

Antidepressants take time to start working. A few weeks, a few months. It happens slowly, without you even realizing it. You keep living as best you can, then suddenly, you turn around and realize the dark cloud has dissipated.

In the meantime, I decided it was time to take some time for me, some real time. I called Emily the day everything fell apart and told her about my pain. She knew. She could see how much I was struggling. She said, “drop everything, we’ll take care of everything.” Gah, I love her.

I called her a few days later and explained my plan: for the month of August – zero. Nothing. No travel, no work, no Instagram (FYI, my psychiatrist told me he often recommends that his famous patients take a break – social media is REALLY dangerous for mental health), nothing. I was going to exercise, sleep as much as I wanted, go to the beach, eat good salads, and make zero professional or personal decisions until further notice. And if I needed to take September too, so be it.

I managed to handle my latest professional obligations thanks to my team, with whom I was very honest. I’m not okay, I need help. It goes without saying they were absolutely wonderful. It was hard, really hard. Working and smiling when you’re dying inside, you have no idea what’s wrong, and all you want to do is cry, is…

Phheewww.

———

And then one day, I was getting ready to go to sleep and Chris and I were joking around in bed. I was light, joyful. I realized I’d spent the entire day laughing and being silly. I pointed that out to Chris and he said: “Yes, you’re back to being the woman I first met.”

Little by little, I got my joy back. I was no longer feeling strangled by my narrative. I rediscovered the pleasure of the moment, the joie-de-vivre I thought I owned but I now realized was such a fragile gift.

Most of all, I lost my attachment to my own suffering. It was like suddenly my suffering released the claws it had around my neck and flew away. I was seeing things from a different angle and I could finally laugh about all the stories I’d been telling myself. Instead of seeing problems, I could see all the solutions offering themselves to me. Instead of suffocating, I could breathe. Finally.

I fell back in love with myself, with my life and everything in it.

———

Breaking your wings is a shocking experience. Getting lost in darkness also means understanding it’s always there, not far, waiting for us, and that you have to take care of your joy.

The person I was before doesn’t exist anymore. The one I was clinging to as I went deeper into the darkness of my depression had been dead for a long time. I finally managed to let her go. Today, I’m getting to know the new me.

Softer, more fragile. So much humbler about the mysteries of life. So much less self-assured, but so much more open. So much more loving, so much simpler.

I know I haven’t found a magic formula. I don’t plan on taking antidepressants my entire life, but who knows? If I need them, so be it. I don’t have any lessons to teach anyone. Our paths are so fascinating, and those journeys are what make up our lives. I wouldn’t go backward for one second.

I’ve completely reinvented my concept of success and replaced it with a happy faith in the moment, in emotions, intuition, sensations.

In other words, I’ve finally learned to live, to live in a way that no book could have ever taught me.

———

It’s important to take care of our health, and our mental health. I have a lot to tell you about what I’ve learned these past months. My sleep still isn’t ideal. It’s hard, but I’m working on it. You can’t repair years of insomnia and anxiety attacks in a matter of weeks – it takes a lot of patience and self-love and self-respect.

As you know, I’m wary of happy endings. Life is a work in progress and while antidepressants work for me, they aren’t necessarily for everyone. You have to be careful and choose a very good doctor.

But it’s important for someone like me to speak out, someone whose life might seem like a dream to some people. Mental health and perceived success, money, and love have nothing to do with one another.

On the contrary, it’s the moment when you think you have it all that your foundations are more likely to crumble, because if you have it all, how can you possibly have the right to be suffering?

That’s why the suicides of Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade were so upsetting. If the people who have it all want to die, what are the rest of us running after?

If you’re suffering, talk about it. Don’t wait. Take your pain seriously. Try to listen to any physical signs of discomfort you might have. Me, for example, when I spend too much time on social media, my pulse accelerates, and my throat tightens. That should be enough of a sign for me to put my phone down and rethink what I’m consuming – just like how after two glasses of alcohol, I know it’s time for me to take a break.

I still have so much to tell you, but I tried to make this short. I want to keep talking about mental health so we can start to be more uninhibited about it and not hesitate to ask for help. Don’t hesitate to share your stories and questions with us. Talking about it is already such an important step.

__

Translated by Andrea Perdue

295 comments

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  • Important stuff. Nice to see someone post that medications are often necessary and do help! in a culture where somehow if it’s herbal it’s ok but not if it’s pharmaceutical.

  • Merci, du fond du coeur.

  • Très beau texte. Il y a quelques années, mon généraliste qui me trouvait vraiment pas en forme du tout, m’a proposé des antidépresseurs, en réalité des boosters de sérotonine. Il semble qu’on ne soit pas égaux devant la production de sérotonine, de même qu’on n’a pas toutes la même taille, la même couleur de cheveux, etc. Et si on a eu des parents dépressifs, le risque est fort de l’être soi-même. J’ai dit non pendant 6 mois. Et ça a été la révélation : j’aurais dû en prendre il y a des années!! Aujourd’hui j’en prends 3 fois par semaine.
    Bonne route et très bonne décision.

  • Thank you.

  • Thank you for sharing this. Thank you endlessly. I started reading your blog years and years ago and the main thing I keep coming back for is your heart and your honesty, even when it gets tough. Especially when it gets tough. I know we’re all supposed to know that no-one is perfect and everyone has their own burdens to bear, but it’s difficult to keep sight of that in our social media world sometimes. It’s so encouraging to hear someone with a voice like yours say: It’s OK to not feel OK and it’s not our own fault. Thank you. Gratefully, Marlene

  • Un immense Merci d’aborder cette question avec simplicité .Après ce marécage te voilà sur la terre ferme et du bon pied .
    Quant à l’effet Werther que tu décris il est bien connu des médecins car il réveille des fragilités en cas de suicide médiatisés. Il faut se protéger et se dissocier le plus possible des cas de mort incompréhensibles qui nous touchent mais que nous ne pouvons comprendre .
    Des baisers guérisseurs and take care of you ! Everybody is unique !

  • Thank you, Garance. <3

  • Quelle sincérité, et comme souvent le courage d’aborder ce qui est le plus intime et le plus fondamental… J’avais pleuré de votre lettre sur la difficulté et l’impossibilité d’avoir un enfant, jamais je n’avais lu de mots aussi vrais sur cette expérience. A nouveau, j’ai l’impression de lire un morceau de chemin que j’ai vécu, la douleur, le sentiment d'”overwhelm”, l’acceptation de la dépression. J’ai accepté à ce moment les antidépresseurs, en parallèle à un travail avec une psychiatre fantastique (oui psychiatre, même si il faut lutter contre le “je ne suis quand même pas folle”)… Et puis, quand je me suis retrouvée, j’ai lâché les médicaments sans plus jamais en reprendre depuis 12 ans (tout ça pour dire qu’on ne devient pas forcément dépendant). Car oui parfois, souvent, nos épreuves (un deuil, le deuil du désir d’enfant…) ne peuvent se surmonter seul, même et surtout si on est très fort. Sans parler des besoins physiologiques qu’on tend trop à minimiser, le sommeil en tout premier lieu (et c’est quelqu’un qui a besoin de 9h de sommeil pour être bien qui le dit et qui voit ses crises d’angoisse revenir après seulement quelques nuits plus agitées…). Take care et merci…

  • I’m glad I stumbled upon this! Such a refreshing post to read. I used to hide in my own shell, trying to hide my feelings from other people and myself… Within the past few months I’ve thought of suicide, hurting myself, etc, before I finally realised that I was depressed. I’m now taking pills and I think they work… I was relieved to read your post and find out that I wasn’t weak for taking medications, I’m just human!
    Thank you!

    Mariya | http://www.brunetteodemand.com

  • i’m happy you got help and are still here to share with us. you have something to offer. we all do. we’re in this together! xoxoxo

  • Merci Garance. Merci vraiment du fond du cœur. J’ai passé ma trentaine à me dire qu’il fallait que je réussisse socialement, à me mettre une pression de fou pour devenir quelqu’un sur les réseaux sociaux (sans aucun succès d’ailleurs). Finalement je me rends compte que je suis heureuse tranquille chez moi à tester des recettes de cuisine et a faire des parties de Uno en famille. Merci de nous montrer que tout n’est jamais parfait, que chacun à ses failles. Merci, Merci, Merci et beaucoup de bonheur pour la suite.

  • Ripleyvir September, 7 2018, 4:49

    C’est tellement ça ! merci !

  • Thank you for opening and talking about it Garance.. This is so important!
    I hope you get even better!

  • thank you

  • Merci beaucoup pour ce très beau témoignage, et pour l’authenticité qui s’en dégage et qui fait tellement de bien.

  • Lora Aleksandrova September, 7 2018, 11:06 / Reply

    Dear Garance,
    I can’t find words to explain how deeply this post touched me. I know exactly what you talk about, it was like I was reading a summary of my own experience with depression in 2014 (and I was only 26 then). I’ve gone through it all – the insomnia, the constant anxiety, the pain, that feeling of “It’s-all-so-hard-I-just-can’t-take-it-anymore” accompanied by the thought of the only possible exit crawling slowly in my head, etc. Luckily, in my darkest hour I had this one person beside me who stood by me and walked me through the darkness until I finally started seeing the light again. Now when I look back at those months of sadness and pain, I can certainly confirm that I am not and will never be the same person as I was before my depression. It made me turn my concept for the valuable things in life at 180 degrees, but it also made me so much stronger, as it was the hardest thing to overcome. I have read somewhere on the internet that “If you fall and get back up, you’re so much stronger than someone who has never fallen” – and I think that it is so true because I know what it took me to defeat it and start feeling joy again.

    I really, really appreciate it that you speak openly about depression, because the number of people who are going through this hell is tremendous, but unfortunately in our modern society mental health is still so underestimated… usually people would go to see the doctor if their body is bleeding, but when their soul does they just pretend it’s all good and keep living in denial.

    I am sending you all my positive energy and good vibes! Wishing you all best things and hoping you will never, ever slip down in the black hole!

    XoXo,
    Lora

  • I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for decades. Yet it just got worse and worse, even after trying some 12 or 13 different s.s.r.i. medications. I’m more than a little jealous that you have beaten depression so quickly and effectively. Chapeau!

  • Merci Garance, merci de partager !
    Oui la vie est constamment un “work in progress”.

  • Thank you. As I began reading this post, I immediately felt the weight of it — and was a relief that the second paragraph didn’t end with “…turns out, I need a new couch!” Kidding aside, I am so glad to hear that you are on the mend, and thank you so much for speaking openly about something that so many of us struggle with in shame and silence.

  • Thank you Garance, for writing this. It’s exactly what I needed to read. I have been through both depression and losing my past self, although for me they were two separate times of my life (losing my past self was brought on by endometriosis and the subsequent surgery). I love that you have written about taking the steps you needed, so many people in the public eye seem to spit on mental health drugs, but they help so many people. Thanks again, and glad to hear you’re having light days again!

  • Thank you so much for your truth and your vulnerability. I’m also working my way through anxiety and depression, and I am so encouraged to see the dialogue changing thanks to brave individuals like you. Making my way back into the light.

  • Garance thank you so much for sharing your life and your experience! (sorry for my english, spanish is my mother tongue) you are so brave and I really admires you! I can completely understand how you feel, I have passed for similar depressive states, during different periods in my life, and specially when I tried several times to get pregnant, one artificial insemination and three in vitro insemination, experiences that I do not regret but at that moment reaaaally destroyed me, I also have tried with differents methods, acupunture, homeopathy, macrobiotic, bach flowers, etc, etc… then one day I decided to stop suffering, and I really don’t know how that happend what it was like a choice, life or death. And what I feel and what I know is that my depression was not only for not being able to have a child, it is something deeper, that I am trying to discover, and I know I will have to work on it all my life. I made two treatments long time ago with antidepressants and that had helped me a lot. Now I take bach flowers, and it is ok for me right now. Merci beaucoup je t’admire vraiment!

  • Ha sido increíble leer esta narración y ver la suerte que has tenido o tienes de salir de la oscuridad.
    Yo también soy muy melancólica y depresiva y llego años tomando antidepresivos y con doctores, pero hay temporadas sobre todo en verano en que mi alma no puede mas, siento su sufrimiento, es un dolor físico difícil de explicar y que no entiende nadie que no lo haya sufrido.
    Quiero pensar que algún día, como tú, lo superaré.
    Muchas gracias por tus palabras.

  • Wow…
    Le timing est wow… cela fait longtemps que je te lis, et je me suis souvent dit que l’on pensait de la même manière. J’admire ton travail.
    Et au niveau plus personnel, avec ce texte, je me suis retrouvée aussi.
    Ta première phrase “J’ai tout fait pour m’en sortir seule”, pareil.
    “Tout était devenu difficile. Écrire, rire, aimer. Tout était douleur, et tout était espoir. Je savais qu’il me suffirait de sortir la tête du puits où je m’étais enfoncée pour que tout s’arrange, mais les parois étaient glissantes et à chaque fois que j’approchais enfin mon visage du soleil, je glissais à nouveau. Et je reprenais la lutte.” Exactement.
    J’ai tout essayé également, tout ce qui me permettrait d’éviter la case “psy”. j’ai pas réussi.
    J’ai décidé ensuite de voir quelqu’un, j’ai refusé de prendre des antidépresseurs, mais m’ouvrir à quelqu’un et reconnaître que j’allais mal était un grand pas pour moi- reconnaître que cela faisait également des années. Je suis passée dans des “états de folie” ces derniers mois, j’ai pleuré des rivières comme tu dis…
    et aujourd’hui, AUJOURD’HUI Garance, ce matin, en me réveillant, je me suis dit “putain, je vais bien”, j’ai senti un état d’esprit différent, une respiration. Je ne sais pas de ce qu’il en sera de la suite. Je continue. On a chacune nos manières d’aller mieux, pour toi ça a été tout ça, les antidépresseurs également, moi ça a été autre chose, mais PEU IMPORTE, le résultat, tant que l’on va mieux et que l’on se retrouve.
    Wow…
    Merci pour ton texte. Je te souhaite le meilleur.

  • Thank you Garance for your candor…so well written and heartfelt. Reading this has come at a time when my mother is too going through depression and anxiety. We need to speak more openly as a society about the dark sides of what people go through in a time when “perfection” is what is so socially communicated.
    Bravo!

  • I’m sorry for your pain Garance, and you are not alone. Anti-depressants are a tool to be used and used carefully, as is talk therapy. They are absolutely not a failure and you don’t have to be on them forever. My trajectory was that I went on and off them for many years, and what finally really worked was just getting older and changing my life. I finally allowed myself to have some basic things that I had been sacrificing for my art/work—like home, family, friends, garden–and my world utterly changed. Everyone’s psyche is different of course, and I hope you continue to have a positive experience with them and that they help you in your journey.

    “There is a crack, a crack in everything; that’s how the light gets in” _-Leonard Cohen

  • It’s such a deep and important topic ! I’m not suprised but nonetheless sad to know you have had, as many, to struggle with this. Keep on doing what you do, hoping that you’ll only get strong and better.

  • Thanks for speaking up

  • Thank you for sharing.

  • Your honesty is the most beautiful part of this revelation. Enjoy the catharsis <3

  • Beautifully written. So deep and profound and insightful. Thank you for sharing…..

  • Superbe texte Garance :)
    Plein de bonnes ondes,
    xx

  • Thank you for sharing this, Garance. Your honesty and vulnerability are so powerful and appreciated. We are in unprecedented times right now, and I am so grateful for this raw outpouring. And I wrote down your line “you have to take care of your joy.” I am feeling that so acutely myself right now. Thank you for sharing your journey. I wish you so much peace and joy and real, true aliveness.

    Love,
    Ali

  • WOW! This brings on memories and feelings! Thank you for this meditative and deep post!

  • It´s so honest and brave what you are saying. I am on antidepressants too, and I went on a very dark time of my life because I had demonized them, with no information whatoever.
    So it´s so important to go to a great doctor, to deal with depression the way it´s meant to be dealt to.
    I mean, being depressed is not just having a couple of days of bad moods. It´s a choking sensation.
    We need voices of MeToo here, because otherwise we live our difficulties with shame.
    Chapeau Garance, Bon Courage!

  • susana mendes September, 7 2018, 12:18 / Reply

    So honest, as usual!
    Atelier Doré it will be always a place to come because it´s full of truth life.
    i visite AD with regularity !
    Big Hug for all team from portuguese living in Luanda, Angola

  • J’ai envie de vous prendre dans mes bras et de vous faire un câlin! Love !!

  • Wise and brave. Add those 2 words to your CV.

  • My dear goddess, tears are flowing as I write this. I relate to so much of what you have written here, and am so grateful to you for writing it. It takes bravery to share it, to surrender, to finally admit that sometimes CBD oil just won’t cut it and we need something stronger. I was about your age when I first took an antidepressant–the result of having children–ha!–after having tried so many other things to try to heal myself. And though I have tried getting off it, I haven’t yet been able to, and I’m learning to be okay with that too. Because I too remember that dawning of death as a possibility, even as I have everything I could ever want–and will do whatever I need to care for myself to not go there. I’m grateful to know that you are a likeminded sister, and that you did what you needed to do to love yourself best. Bravo to you, and know that we are all here cheering for you, wrapping you up in love…

  • Rosita Nunez September, 7 2018, 12:35 / Reply

    So glad that you are taking care of yourself. Thank you for sharing this – it may save many from similar pain. We need to start treating mental health as important and stigma-free as we treat physical health. Wish you good health, peace and serenity.

  • Thank you, thank you, thank you. You write so beautifully and vulnerably about this. I like that you remind us that there are no happy endings, no magic pills, but rather a winding, bumpy, beautiful, complex journey to keep on traveling. Here’s to being open about all the parts of ourselves, messy and magnificent, both.

  • Erika Montenegro September, 7 2018, 12:44 / Reply

    Garance this is so gracefully truthful. A couple years ago I went through a depression triggered by infertility, a “successful” promotion at work, and general over working. I remember driving to work one morning and thinking that if I crashed my car and hurt myself I could at least take time off and I would’t be the infertile, yet successful woman anymore; I’d be a woman in need of help in a way the people around me could physically see. Things aren’t perfect now, but like you I’ve given up trying to be the woman I was before that period. I had to step down from this position, but I wonder If I had been honest and asked for help, if I’d still be in that position? Losing your attachment to your own suffering resonates so much with me. In a way I realize now that I was using my suffering as a means of protection, as a means of keeping myself paralyzed by sadness and anxiety. I know it’s a difficult thing to speak about in public, but I hope one day you can share more about your experience trying to get pregnant because I’ve noticed that’s something “older” (over 35 I guess) successful woman feel shame discussing. Thank you for this beautiful post Garance and I’m sending you good vibes from my office in Los Angeles.

  • Wow Garance il y a tant à dire, j’ai senti tant de fois que la cloche sonnait “faux” ! Ce n’était pas ta note de musique et pourtant tu continuais. Certains disent que la dépression peut être de la colère non exprimée, inconsciente. Une forme de déclaration d’amour à la vie à l’envers. C’est une révolte intérieure non exprimée qui se retourne contre soi. C’est ne plus être au diapason, c’est le métronome qui ne bat plus la bonne mesure. Le mental qui dicte sa loi et n’écoute plus les signaux du corps. Alors tant mieux que tu prennes conscience de ce désordre pour découvrir ta petite musique. Prends ton temps, chante, danse tous les jours chez toi ou ailleurs et médite, reste le “witness” de ta pagaille, ne t’identifie pas. Good luck

  • Garance
    Thank you so much for sharing this.
    Unfortunately i know the feeling. What means being depressed.
    It’s really hard to confront and get over It.
    And yes, Life these days put all of us over the edge.
    Take care of your Joy. It’s your most precious gift.
    XXX

  • Juli Frankel September, 7 2018, 12:51 / Reply

    So happy you are feeling better. Everything about moving and trying to get pregnant can do it to you…we are nothing if not a product of our own “chemical soups.” Being female – that can change on a yearly basis. You really are that joyful person – so get get off those meds as soon as you feel centered again.

    We’re rooting for you –

  • Dear Garance – Thank you got your truth. Thank you for your honesty. I know this is hard.
    I understand this and works towards being mentally better. I am starting all over at 55 (living NYC, Boston and Europe – working NYC art galleries and working from Harvard to PBS) in FL. A place my husband brought me to and abandoned me and teenage daughter with a mental illness. So, I am starting over with incredible mental help, little finances, but believing I will get out of FL, work for an incredible creative company (we woman at 50 plus seem to be having a surge). I will create something or gratefully do hard work with a “Whole Foods” (do love their products)as I triumph with my gift I was born with. To my daughter- All this – because of getting mentally better – Thank you, thank you, thank you for your honesty. ?? ??

  • Une nouvelle fois : Merci !
    Pour votre sincérité.
    Pour formuler (si clairement, si vrai) tout cela, le partager publiquement, mettre les mots sur ce que nous ressentons parfois sans oser nous l’avouer.
    Merci.

  • Tres beau texte Garance qui a reveille tant de souvenirs !
    La vie n’est pas un long fleuve tranquille, mais la parole libere.

  • J’ai oublie de dire que mon voeu d’il y a quelques jours a ete exauce : 2 textes de Garances + une belle illustration. Merci ! :-)))

  • OMG, thanks for sharing this, I needed it…you are BEAUTIFUL.

  • Thank you for sharing this Garance! There is so much strength and courage in admitting one’s vulnerabilities. I’m sorry for all that you’ve gone through, but it’s so inspiring to hear you’re working through it all and doing better again.

    Your journey has made me feel less alone in my own, and I am sure many people feel the same. :-)

  • Dear Garance,

    It took a lot of courage to speak out about what you are going through in such a specific way. By doing so, however, you “normalize” getting much needed help for others. I, too, am a long-time reader who has always appreciated your voice. As someone who had a career writing about business and management issues, I can well imagine how the toll of capitalism and its relentless drive for bigger and better product would impact an artistic, sensitive person like yourself. It sounds like the values statement you recently published addresses some of that. And while there have been times when I haven’t always liked the new, bigger Atelier Dore, I have always loved and admired the fact that you are employing and mentoring a team of young creatives — that’s not nothing! Sending love and healing.

  • I personally don’t struggle with depression and/or anxiety, but I do have people close to my heart that do and your words reached to my heart really deep that tears came into my eyes. I really feel giving you a hug in this moment and not necessarily to show compassion, but because you really touch a very delicate subject for me. Thank you! ?

  • Je reposte ici ( je me suis trompé d’en poste ;) )
    Beaucoup d’amour et de respect pour ton partage Garance . La lectrice qui lit ses lignes à beaucoup changer aussi , ma quête ça a toujours été une quête d’essentiel et de profondeur … pour cela la légèreté et la douceur sont des ingrédients essentiel , et un énorme déconditionnement …. c’est fou nos croyances …notre façon de pensée la vie est parfois erronée….plus que de goûter la fraîcheur de l’instant ( ou sa lourdeur ?), goûter / accepter ce qui se vit simplement sans rajout de mot par dessus, se ressentir??
    la de-pression / la de-prime des mots si simple pourtant , s’enlever la pression , arrêter de courir après les primes … alors qu’on est déjà plein …goûter à soi , à sa propre beauté , valeur, inconditionnellement… je pourrais t’écrire bcp sur cela … mais ça serait un peu long … à un moment donné la vie qui se vit en nous … se fait de plus en plus intense , aspirant les faux semblant … et laissant place à plus d’intégrité …alors oui il on jete beaucoup , on fait de l’espace en soi….on se redécouvre… Garance ton voyage , comme celui de nous tous est beau … rien n’est figé…et comme l’ours qui hiberne , la terre qui se renouvelle ( jacherre) pendant un an ou plus avant de recevoir de nouvelles graines … le repos est essentiel … la douceur … et s’aimer au delà de tout … sans spécifier , s’identifier à quoi que ce soit … notre identité , ou , oui même des projets auquel on tient … et que peut être si on apprends à lâcher … nous reviennent avec plus de justesse … Garance merci pour tes partages … mais plus que ça Merci pour ta relation avec toi même … notre relation avec nous mêmes , notre intériorité …. notre présence en soi …et ton intimité , comme notre intimité à tous est parfois comme une graine en terre qu’il faut prendre le temps de couver ….
    et puis nos projets ( même si les réseaux sociaux nous pousse à nous faire croire … ce ne sont pas des tamagotchi à nourrir ;) )…. donc oui tranquille, rien d’urgent , la vie est douce … et comme ça du bien de S’en foutre … oui de tout ! merci encore pour tout tes partages et plein d’amour à toi ?
    Shérine.

  • I am grateful that I live in a time when antidepressants are available, and I feel no shame in telling people that I take them. There is ample research that suggests that we carry the anxiety and the negative experiences of our ancestors in our DNA (epigenetic change), and I feel that is true for me. It is difficult to be a woman in our culture. Be kind and gentle to yourself.

  • Thank you for being open about your suffering. Taking time off to be bored, live in the nature, and slow down is hard after becoming part of the NY pace of life. Yet it is the best gift when you allow yourself to do so and become your best friend, no matter how much time and space you need before you can go out in public. Have gone through a similar experience, and realize I am more beautiful and confident now than ever. And the relationship I have with time is more about my own intuition and pace than the one dictated by others. Choosing to light up your internal wiring and hear your inner voice is like tending to a neglected garden where we can find the peace we need. Thanks again for sharing your story! xx

  • I am so glad you found help. I know many people for whom medications have been literal lifesavers. It can be triggered by a sad event like a death of a loved one, or something that has been accreting slowly over time, many small things that eventually add up to crisis. For others, it seems there’s a basic biological chemistry that’s off, even from birth. Just months ago, a relative went on them. She always had inordinate reactions to situations–her phone ringing while she was putting on makeup could lead her to throw everything, from her makeup to mirrors to lamps, at the walls, rather than just let the call go to voicemail. She fell for manipulative, possessive, even sociopathic, guys and then practically went Fatal Attraction when they would dump her. She’d go on eating binges, then self-hate for the weight gain. She got on meds and suddenly was…normal. Some relatives are very upset that she’s “drugged,” but I think she finally has a chance to experience happiness.

  • Enfin …une vrai sincerit? sans tabou….cette analyse est très belle et peut vraiment aider ..bravo.

  • Thank you so much for sharing! I cried three times while reading.. I am going through the same and have been debating whether I should go back to antidepressants.
    I felt so identified almost as if I had written it.
    Hopefully I’ll feel joyful again. Thank you so much!

  • Thank you for sharing, Garance, when you really didn’t have to. It’s illuminating and sheds light on a hidden dis-ease that many of us share.
    Try to disconnect more often – remember life before computers and smart phones?
    Yeah, like that. The real stuff. The juicy stuff. The rest is just fluff. Sometimes it’s fun to indulge in social media but if it begins to hurt you, make the choice and cut yourself loose.
    Happy Healing,
    xo

  • Merci ..

  • Thank-you Garance. Your message hit home and came in perfect timing.

  • Sarah Mink September, 7 2018, 2:24 / Reply

    Thank you for sharing! Each share brings down the stigma associated getting help–as the daughter of a therapist I really believe this.

  • Great post Garance, very well written!

  • jeanette van der Pijl September, 7 2018, 2:44 / Reply

    Dear Garance,

    I’ve been following for years now and that feels as if I know you a little bit, as if you are a friend. I’ve seen you grow and develop and admired you for that. To read this post about your depression touches me and makes me feel sad for you, but also makes me very proud. To admit and talk about your problems, grieve and doubts makes you an even better, more complete and beautiful woman! Maya Angelou said: the real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. She was so right. Love yourself, and realise that so many others (including me) love you too!

  • It is wonderful that you are being open and honest about this. It will certainly continue to help you heal and also help others do the same. Bravo for your bravery. If you haven’t read the “Yamas and the Niyamas” by Deborah Adele, I think you may find life altering, I did. Also daily exercise and cutting back on alcohol are magic for insomnia. Peace be with you.

  • Merci Garance, du fond du coeur.

  • Coucou Garance, j’ai beaucoup hésité à poster ce commentaire pour raconter mon histoire, mais qui-sait ? Peut-être qu’elle te réconfortera ou réconfortera d’autres personnes.

    La dépression m’a frappée en 2012, à 23 ans. J’avais un métier que je détestais, j’avais été mutée dans un bled où je ne me sentais pas bien et où je n’arrivais pas à me faire des attaches, je n’avais pas d’amoureux, juste un crétin suffisant qui venait tirer son coup quand ça lui chantait, mes deux grands-mères venaient de mourir. J’ai commencé à perdre le sommeil, à grossir, à faire des crises d’angoisse plusieurs fois par jour et à pleurer sans cesse. Un jour, je me suis pendue et j’ai atterri en hôpital psychiatrique pendant 1 mois. J’ai alors commis une énorme erreur : croire que ma dépression et cet acte de désespoir extrême étaient le fruit des circonstances difficiles de ma vie d’alors. J’ai pris des médicaments, attendu que ça passe, changé de travail, déménagé et c’est effectivement passé. The end ? Oh que non !

    En 2017, j’ai cru entamer le plus beau chapitre de ma vie : j’ai entamé il y a quelques années une carrière géniale, emménagé avec mon homme dans une belle maison, planifié mon mariage et ma grossesse. J’avais 29 ans, j’étais au summum de la joie, j’avais tout, tous mes rêves étaient devenus réalité et je me voyais déjà fêter mes 30 ans enceinte et la bague au doigt.

    Mais… A partir de septembre, j’ai recommencé à ne plus dormir, à pleurer, à faire des crises d’angoisse et d’hyperphagie. Puis, j’ai perdu plus de 10 kg brutalement, comme ça. J’ai ignoré les signes que mon corps m’envoyait : j’allais me marier, avoir un bébé, j’aimais mon homme. JE NE POUVAIS PAS ALLER MAL. Et en décembre, j’ai été une nuit engloutir l’armoire à pharmacie. A deux mois de mon mariage et du début des essais bébé. Retour en HP, chez le psychiatre, reprise des antidépresseurs.

    Mon piège a été le même que le tien : croire que parce que j’avais tout, tout était fini, tout allait bien. Baisser naïvement la garde. Ignorer les inquiétudes de mes très proches qui sentaient que je n’étais plus moi-même dans cette vie pourtant parfaite sur le papier.

    Neuf mois plus tard, je suis célibataire, dans un petit studio parisien et apaisée. Vigilante aussi. J’ai compris que j’avais ignoré une chose – ce que tu constates aussi : les épreuves de 2012 m’avaient transformée et je continuais de faire comme avant. Désormais, je me redécouvre, je réapprends à vivre en cherchant ce dont j’ai désormais profondément besoin.

    J’ai arrêté de regretter la Camille “d’avant” : solaire, guillerette, pleine d’allant. J’ai arrêté de verrouiller qui je suis désormais. Je me suis découvert de nouvelles qualités : plus d’empathie – utile pour mon métier d’enseignante, plus de sagesse – plutôt cool quand on enseigne la philosophie, plus authentique, à l’écoute d’elle-même et plus bienveillante – envers moi et les autres. Nous avons tant à apprendre de la douleur.

    Je termine sur une citation d’Alfred de Musset que j’adorais quand j’étais lycéenne sans savoir à l’époque combien elle était vraie et dans quelles circonstances j’allais le découvrir :

    “L’homme est un apprenti, la douleur est son maître, Et nul ne se connaît tant qu’il n’a pas souffert. C’est une dure loi, mais une loi suprême, Vieille comme le monde et la fatalité, Qu’il nous faut du malheur recevoir le baptême, Et qu’à ce triste prix, tout doit être acheté. Les moissons pour mûrir ont besoin de rosée, Pour vivre et pour sentir, l’homme a besoin de pleurs, La joie a pour symbole une plante brisée, Humide encore de pluie et couverte de fleurs.”

    Des bisous, tout plein et très tendres.

  • Thank you, thank you Garance

  • Thank you for sharing something so personal. Mental health is so vital yet too often ignored. Your thoughtfully written words serve as comfort, support and a reminder that we should all listen and be gentle with ourselves and seek help when we need it. Thank you and I wish you well.

  • Thank you for sharing this!
    Antidepressants are just getting your transmitters in your brain in regular order, you’ll never become a complete new person, you become just the person you’re naturally.
    Good choice! If you break your bones you’ll also visite a doctor, same is with depression and the right medication.
    I’m a doctor and it’s so wonderful for all the other people out there with similiar problems to read this!
    Thank you!! You’re great!!
    Sorry for my english..!

  • <3 <3 <3

  • Thank you Garance for sharing what you’ve gone through. Everything can look fine on the outside when there’s so much pain inside. I don’t know if I truly understood this until experiencing depression. How important to talk about it without shame and to realize we’re not alone. I’m sure your opening up about it will help others to get treatment for their suffering. For me, therapy was very helpful….just talking about the pain until I no longer need to . Yoga and meditation gave me tools to deal with my anxiety . I also take antidepressants and while they may not be for everyone, they allow me to be my best self. There can be so much joy after going through a dark tunnel. Wish you much love, light and laughter. Xo

  • Tarbagayre September, 7 2018, 3:15 / Reply

    Les mots me manquent pour te dire combien tu peux être fière. Merci et bravo

  • Lilas Louise September, 7 2018, 3:20 / Reply

    Quelques mots Garance de sympathie suite à cette confidence sur ta dépression. C’est beau de lire que tu as eu la présence d’esprit de tracer la limite de l’acceptable à ton mal être, et qu’à ce moment là tu as choisi de t’ouvrir à tes proches et à tes collaborateurs et de mettre en place un plan de sauvetage.
    J’ai également traversé un désert cette année. Ma chance, c’est que mon grand frère s’est suicidé il y a presque huit ans. J’ai, je pense, développé une intolérance, comme une allergie ou des anti-corps, au mal être profond.
    Alors, quand je me suis sentie glisser, que j’ai pris conscience d’à quel point je n’étais plus moi même, que j’allais mal (merci ma psychologue qui me suivait depuis plusieurs mois, et notamment depuis un moment où j’allais bien), j’ai finalement vite pris des actions de reconstruction. Même quand on n’est pas allé jusqu’à penser à la mort, cela prend du temps et énormément d’énergie. Mais la renaissance est d’autant plus savoureuse. Profite de ton nouvel été. <3

  • it’s such a breath of relief to read this, because finally someone is not afraid to admit that they’re going through things, and it makes all of us feel less alone. I, too, experienced depression and didn’t talk about it for more than a decade. until some months ago. i share the link here if anyone can benefit from reading it.
    https://medium.com/@kristinetgo/how-to-heal-from-depression-5a683f648276

  • Tout s’est mis a ralentir au fur et a mesure de la lecture de ton article. Comme en apensateur. Pourtant, la cadence accélère entre le début et la fin. L’intensité de ta crise existentielle m’a coupé le souffle. Wow !
    Merci de tout mon coeur pour ce morceau d’humanité.

  • Wow, thank you thank you thank you for sharing Garance!

    I know all about that struggle- have had depression and struggle with OCD and generalised anxiety and I have to say- the thing I have always wished was for conversations to open up in society and to destigmatise mental health- it is so important for people struggling with mental health to not feel like something is wrong with them and they are freaks.

    I must say reading your text also makes me humbler as I was wondering why you never posted any personal content anymore and why the blog had come so “commercialised”. I judged you, I’m sorry- thought you had “sold out” and I regret that. I’m working on being less judgmental and this made me realise even more that I have to give people the benefit of the doubt.

    Sorry for making this about me :( but what I want to say is, please keep on talking about mental health, it helps not only us who struggle with it but it also destigmatises it, especially when hearing from someone as influential as you! I doubt many people in fashion would dare to do that. I am a fashion journalist myself and I know what the industry is like and I am amazed by your strength, courage and determination! Garance, you’re incredible! Please keep on the great work you’re doing! It’s people like you we need more of!

    And I hope you get to feel even better and can sleep well!
    Love

    Jenny

  • Merci Garance.
    Cette fois Instagram fût necessaire et helpful!
    Bises, Annie

  • Merci Garance.
    Cette fois Instagram fût necessaire et helpful!
    Bises, Annie

  • I feel it’s so hard to find something true, raw and honest through social media these days… thank you Garance, I’m following you since the very beginning and this blog it’s still the best one, one of the few I’m still regularly visiting. You’re a beautiful soul, I hope you’ll keep feeling better and better. xx

  • Beautifully written, as always! It seems that by opening up about your experiences, you are helping many.

    I am lucky…I have not suffered with depression or anxiety, at least not in the way you describe. Any minor experiences I’ve had have been manageable. I am amazed and concerned at the numbers of people who have been coming out with revelations about suffering with these problems…I hope it is just that it is more acceptable to talk about.

    Sometimes it seems like it is the “latest” or “popular” problem to have. I hope I am not correct in that thought.

  • Just thanks, thanks so much!
    Love
    Cristina

  • THIS IS AMAZING
    Oh my goodness! You described it all so so well! Antidepressants are my life saver- I understand it all. Yes the child/ fertility issue. Yes why is society causing so many women to need medication. Something is seriously wrong. Thank you xxxxxx

  • Si juste…
    Merci Garance de savoir rester sentinelle de l’être. Merci de si bien dire l’inénarrable fin dun soi, de trouver les mots pour parler de l’incompréhension brutale du monde qui entoure et l’irrépressible négation de soi.
    A la lecture de ce texte, Je retrouve tout de cette traversée qui un temps a ravagé mon quotidien. J’ai réentendu cette seconde où tout a basculé mais où je ne le savais pas encore. Je me souviens de l’hébètement des jours qui ont suivi, et du vertige de la chute qui ne faisait que commencer…. Dieu que cette chute est longue et cruelle, quasi implacable pour déconstruire ce que j’étais, détruire jusque mes orgueils
    Je n’ai pas voulu de béquilles chimiques, c’est peut être une erreur. La perspective de vivre mieux avec une pilule ne me paraissait pas une raison suffisante pour accepter la vie. Alors je me suis donnée des coups, pris des bleus cependant que de petits riens en petits pas, juste engagés pour survivre au quotidien, j’e traversais ce drôle de couloir. Sans trop vouloir, juste à chercher à réparer les erreurs qui m’enfonçaient davantage j’ai créé des portes, des fenêtres, des pièces nouvelles à mon couloir. C’est une construction très modeste mais j’ai le sentiment de revenir de tellement loin qu’aujourd’hui je me réjouis de cet univers dans lequel je vis. Et par dessus tout, Je me réjouis d’être passée par là, aussi paradoxal que ça puisse paraitre. Peut être parce que je respire mieux d’être un peu plus moi…
    Bien à toi Garance et les autres

  • J’ai ete tres emue en lisant le post de Garance mais le votre m’a frappee en plein visage. Surtout le 2eme paragraphe. Vous avez decrit ce qu’il m’est arrive il y a 19 ans, mot pour mot. Merci Anje.

  • Merci Garance pour cette dure mais néanmoins necessaire lecture. C’est souvent lorsqu’on commence a partager qu’on découvre qu’on n’est pas seul a y faire face. Un texte ”cri du coeur” qui suscite beaucoup d’emotions et sentiments. Je te souhaite d’aller mieux et reprendre doucement le gout des belles choses de la vie. Prends bien soin de toi.
    /K

  • Thank you Garance!
    I’ve been following you for years and I always admired your courage, integrity and humility besides the amazing topics that you bring us with so much charm and elegance.
    You are a brave woman! I am positive that what happened was a step that will bring more self knowledge of who you are. Life has this moments… Face it as you did.; you will be much stronger…
    You are incredible!!! Love you!!!

  • Thank you so much for your beautiful honesty.

  • Thank you for sharing! My sister has bipolar and I thank God for her medication.

  • Garance, if you haven’t already, you may want to have your thyroid hormones checked. I’m not an MD but have had a similar presentation (throat tightness, anxiety, insomnia, depressive symptoms) which was eventually diagnosed as autoimmune hyperthyroidism. Good luck with your journey!

  • Juste merci.

  • I still haven’t told her mother of the struggles I’ve had with my mental health over the past few years (including the pain of unsuccessful IVF treatments), my only confidant has been my husband and therapist. Reading of your experience will, I have no doubt, help me to articulate and share more about this side of my life to those close to me. From the bottom of my heart – thank you Garance.

  • Thank you so much for sharing this. Being resilient is the best asset oneself can have in this crazy world of today. Love you Garance just the way you are!

    Mercedes

  • Captivating words that so eloquently explain that feeling that seems to bury itself inside your being. My experience seems to parallel what you have detailed. I used to be someone that didn’t understand why people who were feeling down just didn’t get up earlier, exercise more and spend time doing things that made them feel happy. While I continued to live “my best life” I could feel the joy slowly slipping away then one day I realised it was gone. Going on low dose antidepressants helped me climb out of a haze that affected not only me but the ones I love the most. Thank you for sharing your story.

  • thank you so much for this post.

  • Julie Woodfield September, 7 2018, 7:23 / Reply

    I was honestly concerned about your absence but, was afraid to reach out and ask if you were ok…mostly cause I don’t even know you-yet I feel like I do. Thank you for letting us in. I’m sorry you were suffering. I’m happy you are beginning to see the light. Here if you need me, Garance. ?

  • Sanja Van Huet September, 7 2018, 8:23 / Reply

    No words to convey how important this post was. My daughter has suffered similar, and was hospitalised for weeks. She is mending, slowly; but it is taking years of her youth, I watch and worry. Garance, all I can add is all my warmest hopes and wishes for you, and thank God you have a strong support team around you. Take care Cherie, you are part of my life too.

  • thank you.

  • Bravo.

    We rarely get vulnerable or go deep with what we share with others. We all experience suffering, yet put up our facade and suffer in silence.

    Thank you for your courage and strength to share your story. I understand . . . been there.
    I continue to be challenged to keep the battles in my head at bay. The lack of human connection in the age of technology is deafening and devastating to our society.

    I look forward to your continuing this dialogue within your platform. Thank you.

  • Mariateresa September, 7 2018, 9:29 / Reply

    Un grande abbraccio, Garance! Per me, sei comunque una scrittrice da Nobel! Ciao, Mariateresa ici Bari!

  • Merci Garance. Ton récit m’émeut grandement. Je me reconnais dans ces symptômes, dans ces sentiments, face à cette réalisation. J’ai récemment réalisé que ça faisais des mois que j’ai changé ; tout est lourd, perte d’intérêt pour mes activités habituelles, isolement, insomnie, anxiété… Le simple fait de réaliser qu’on ne va pas bien donne le vertige. J’ai rencontré une psy pour la première fois cette semaine. Autre anxiété. Mais c’est un pas. Un pas, une journée, une heure à la fois. Merci de partager ton histoire car c’est celle de bien d’autres. Le simple fait d’en parler aide, en se sentant moins seule. Bon courage dans ta route et garde espoir.

  • Merci Garance de partager avec nous . Je te lis depuis des années, j’ai acheté ton livre et lorsque je vais pas bien , je lis des passages qui me donnent du courage et me font du bien. Tes posts où tu parles de choses si profondes nous font toutes et tous grandir. Encore merci.

  • Merci <3 <3 <3

  • Quel courage de partager ce témoignage, le courage d’être soi, à nu, face à la masse digitale anonyme.
    Merci.

  • I just cried my eyes out reading this. It wasn’t a sad cry but rather one of those that happen when you’ve just climbed a very high mountain on a beautiful day and feel so deeply connected with yourself, the nature, the cry of relief and happiness. What you wrote resonates so much with what I’ve been going through for the last 2 years – that confusion when you don’t know what’s wrong with you, the feeling of shame for being depressed when, in everyone’s eyes, you have no right to be, the eternal gratitude for people that have been by your side through all of it, that feeling when one day you just feel good and can’t relate to those dark thought you’ve had a month ago. I never left a comment here but have been reading your blog for years. Today I just felt like it.
    Thank you!
    Paulina

  • Garance you are so FULL of grace!! You BRAVE beautiful soul inside & out. Your continuous raw honesty has never changed – from Corsica crossiant boat delivery days, too not having a razor in Venice too NYC – LOVE is Life (DVF) days. Keep on keeping on!! You have ALWAYS been refreshing and will continue to be so. ;)

  • Thank you ,really ??

  • Dearest Garance,
    For many years I was a flight attendant for American Airlines based in Boston. On September 11th the airplane that hit the trade center first was AA Boston #11. I had flown with every crew member and had often worked that particular trip. I was in the air that day as well working a flight to Orlando, Florida. Boston was a very small base and it was devastating to lose so many people. The anxiety I felt after this was intense. I also realized I had lived with anxiety most of my life since my childhood was very traumatic with both parents having mental illness and my need to cope on my own from an early age. After September 11th I started taking 10 mg of Celexa and I have been taking it ever since and will continue to take it. It has helped my anxiety and I have a calmness that was not there before. There shoud be no stigma attached to taking something to help feel better! I will be on this forever. Please try not to judge yourself or to think that you must stop taking it in the future. Those thoughts alone can create anxiety! Best wishes to you and thank you for being honest.
    xo
    Susan

  • Rachel joy September, 8 2018, 4:23 / Reply

    Thank you garance. Depression hit me 5 years ago. I suffered insomnia too. I took medication for a few months and then slowly came off them. A few years later (2 years ago) depression hit me again but I really delved into myself without medication. Accepting everything I was and fighting my insecurities. THat time I didn’t talk to a doctor and though it took a year, maybe more, I kicked my mental health back into shape. THINking about it, I didn’t talk to many people about what I was going through, 2 years ago.
    Probably because when I did talk about it 5years ago and I was on medication, people didn’t take me seriously. Treated me like I was weak and being dramatic. Not everyone but some. Anyway I’m so grateful to be where I am now and even more grateful that someone like yourself is so open to your readers hoping to help others. We love you Garance!

  • Redoublée dans mon cas d’une expérience durable de précarité (car la situation en France semble inextricable), je vis exactement ce que tu décris depuis des mois… et ne peux être que touchée par ton témoignage et solidaire avec ta personne. Je vais continuer de demander de l’aide, envisager s’il le faut la médication…

    Très très loin de la “mode”, bien qu’amoureuse des belles choses, je lis depuis dix ans déjà ce blog, religieusement, tous les jours. Toute l’apparente “réussite” qu’il met en scène est parfois violente pour qui ne réussi pas a priori, mais ta sincérité et ta conscience des réalités du monde n’ont jamais fait basculer cet espace dans la superficialité ou le mépris des petites gens, bien au contraire. Ce qui fait de ce “blog”, un lieu vivant où… même une personne comme moi trouve une place.

    Merci de ta sincérité. Te souhaitant le meilleur et de la douceur.

    Mylène

  • Hey garance, so brave of u to open up about ur struggle. It’s so comprehensible even for men who was fortunately never in such a deep place in my life – but it helps others who are there.
    Thanks for that and keep getting better so we can enjoy ur enormous talents for many years to come!
    Bisou, Hon-Tai

  • Hello Garance – thank you for being so honest, as always and very brave too. Mental health medication is a highly emotive subject – it’s been an absolute disaster for me in the past 20 years and over prescribed; now that i’m on the right dosages and types, it’s life changing. I hope that we can all work together to help remove the stigma around mental health and normalise the different routes to well being… (one of which surely has to be a long walk with an enthusiastic dog – a more life enhancing activity i cannot think of : ) xxx

    Read an interesting article in The Guardian today about youtube bloggers that seems relevant to some of your points. https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2018/sep/08/youtube-stars-burnout-fun-bleak-stressedhttps://www.theguardian.com/technology/2018/sep/08/youtube-stars-burnout-fun-bleak-stressed

  • Sophie Martin September, 8 2018, 6:05 / Reply

    Je suis très émue.

  • louise darbonne September, 8 2018, 6:21 / Reply

    thank you so very much….merci mille fois pour cet article.

  • louise darbonne September, 8 2018, 6:23 / Reply

    thank you thank you merci merci

  • Hope you get better day by day and actually take one day at a time. To be honest I am sceptical as to how healing this aftermath sharing is for your fellow sisters. I honestly feel that a few posts revealing that you actually feel lost when you feel lost would be much more appreciated. Noone is expecting from you to provide solutions but perhaps being a little more open about your fabulousness not being as fabulous when it is #happeningnow might end up in a less toxic and stressful impact of social media on your followers life, if sharing is an important part of who you are. Following your instagram account I have often wondered “ Isn’t that renovation project freaking her out”?, “Can embracing the slow movement and the LA love yourself lifestyle actually be a cry for help or an indication of next level achievement?”, “Is she actually happy in this photo or just coping?”. Being funny is one thing, being another Alec Baldwin on “ The One in Massapequa” episode is another and being happy is actually something completely different. You are always beaming of style and that is why I am following what you do. I am sure that sense of style can be incorporated in a more relaxed attitude towards how shiney your posts should be. Everyday solidarity could be also beneficial for you perhaps, rather than getting it three times a year with articles that drop as bombs to confirm that you are human. We know you are. Keep on keeping on and perhaps I can also find hope in this new era. It’s all about new eras, right?

  • Thank you Garance. I don’t cry very often, but I’m crying. When Anthony Bourdain committed suicide I thought “I get it”. I wish I didn’t. I have everything. A good career and awesome boss. Lovely husband. Wonderful friends. Money. I live in a society where I have everything I want, including freedom. Why do I feel such pain? I’m starting to think I need to explore it and consider anti depressants too. Thank you for sharing your story and decreasing the stigma attached to depression for women who feel like they have it all, but there is something that isn’t quite gelling. Your story is important and really means a lot to me.

  • Ekaterina September, 8 2018, 6:56 / Reply

    Thank you…its still so hard in the society to be open about depression. And even freinds and family do not understand what is going on with you. Thank you so much for talking it out open! I’ve lost all my friends and was taken to the hospital at the peak of depression. Thanks to my therapist, I’m back) with my own family, husband, sons…and starting to make some new freinds. Life is a treaky thing)

  • Sharp and accurate Garance.

  • Veronique Tessier September, 8 2018, 8:58 / Reply

    Merci pour cette franchise. Beaucoup de résonance chez moi ce qui m’invite à réfléchir autrement et à mettre les choses dans une perspective différente.
    Hâte de vous lire encore

  • Chère Garance,
    Au fil des ans je t’ai suivie et lue, avec une assiduité variable, puis moins — comme plusieurs autres blogs.
    Hier soir tard, voire cette nuit, la pensée m’a traversée que je n’étais plus allée te lire depuis bien longtemps.
    Ce matin me tombe sous les yeux un tweet aimé par une personne que je suis, relayant ce post.
    Étrange hasard ou heureux rendez-vous…
    Merci infiniment pour tes mots et leur sincère justesse.

  • Thank you for sharing, Garance. I felt the same way about Anthony Bourdain’s suicide. It’s an important reminder that money, fame, love, success do not insulate from mental illness.
    I’ve enjoyed your writing for years, not just for the fashion and beauty bits, but the emotional honesty. So glad to hear the dark cloud is lifting.
    Best,
    Janet

  • Valentine September, 8 2018, 9:46 / Reply

    Garance tu es incroyable. Je le savais déjà mais de te confier comme ça sur tes problèmes, tes faiblesses par rapport aux réseaux sociaux qui prônent la perfection et le fake. Merci d’être toi si sincère et touchante.

  • Drugs can help for very specific cases. But I firmly believe it is like any other solution that keeps you looking at another direction than where the real problem is. Is it a decoy. Thats my personal belief and I’m not judging people who take them. I have had big anxiety attacks for seveal years. I know what it’s like. I believe that a talking cure such as psychoanalysis is a wonderful experience to actually become yourself. More than any drug or even talking with a psychiatrist, even if he is wonderful. Language is so important. It shapes us more than we think. Drugs can help to feel betterand is sometimes necessary, no doubts. But it won’t to the job of working through langage and go beyond all the forbidden things, the guilt, the pain that has firmly rooted in our body and mind and prevent us from taking risks, thus living freely. It is so hard. But so worth it. Courage to all who struggle and it was interesting to read your experience Garance. Wish you the best.

  • Lindsey Hahn Buechler September, 8 2018, 10:24 / Reply

    Welcome to the other side!!! Depression is real and taking an antidepressant is nothing to be ashamed of. Its a shame that depression carries with it such a negative stigma. Close friends of mine told me not to take an antidepressant but I was “sliding” like you and knew what was best for me. Keep up the good work.

  • Je n’ecris pas aussi bien, je ne sais pas aussi bien exprimer mes sentiments ni m’ouvrir comme vous …. mais pour une fois je prends mon courage pour vous repondre, vous redonner en retour un petit signe d’amour : merci pour ce que vous nous donnez, et bravo ! Chacun de vos articles resonne en moi et est une source quotidienne de force, d’espérance et bien entendu d’inspiration !

  • Thank you <3

  • Thank you :)

  • Chère Garance,
    Moi ce que j’aime chez vous c’est ce mélange entre la frivolité la plus frivole la plus reposante, comme si savoir comment on s’habillait était la chose la plus importante du monde, cette présentation de vêtements/sacs et autres que je ne pourrais jamais me payer et la sincérité de cette réalité quasi universelle. Et c’est pour ça que je vous suis depuis des années, sans jamais rien intervenir. Mais là merci , de donner à voir une réalité qui n’est pas glamour , que ce soit par rapport aux règles, les crises d’angoisse, la fertilité et la dépression. Réalité pas glamour mais tellement moins pesante quand on voit qu’on n’est pas la seule, et surtout qu’on peut s’aimer quand même. Et surtout merci de vous montrer humaine et de nous encourager finalement à faire de même. De montrer qu’avoir tout ou ce qui semble tout ne protège finalement de rien, et d’avoir le courage malgré votre métier de dénoncer les réseaux sociaux . Savez vous que la notification est perçue comme un récompense, une gratification par le cerveau? Bon courage pour votre guérison, entourez vous bien, prenez soin de vous. Je vous embrasse

  • Belle lettre, cela respire l’honnêteté, le lâcher-prise, remarquable de se livrer ainsi, pour soi-même et pour les autres aussi.
    Tout plein de bonnes vibrations depuis la Bretagne…

  • Thank you for sharing.

  • thank you.

  • Thank you. I am sorry you had to go through this. I appreciate you don’t hide the need for mental help, and I admire your courage in being so frank.
    Hopefully, this will also help others.

  • Bravo Garance et merci beaucoup !!

  • I was SO against antidepressants.
    Until my health got so bad that I couldn’t bear it any more. I didn’t know I had depression. I didn’t know it could be like that…

    What I want to say is that antidepressants really helped me. I tried other stuff before. Yoga etc. Nothing helped. And I didn’t have time any more as I was really ill.

    I think that if famous people talk about antidepressants and depression it really helps. So many people are still ashamed. So many people still don’t understand.

    I also didn’t understand depression or how much antidepressants can help until I experienced it myself.

    Don’t be afraid of antidepressants. We take medicine for other illnesses, right? Depression really is an illness. It’s not sadness, negative thinking or bad mood. It’s an illness. It’s when you can’t be happy. You just can’t. It’s not that you don’t try.

    Don’t think that taking antidepressants is a sign of weakness or that it’s poison. It’s just medicine. But it takes some time to take effect. Be patient.

  • Anna-Clare Lukoma September, 8 2018, 6:51 / Reply

    Garance, thank you so much for sharing your truth. All this time I was mad at you for not writing more and not being more present on the atelier.com website. Meanwhile you were going through so much. The death of Kate Spade really saddened me. We often view snippets of people’s lives on social media and wish we were them but never know what is really going on. Your honesty is a gift. Be blessed.

  • Madeleine Katz September, 8 2018, 9:00 / Reply

    Thank you Garance.

  • Thank you so much for sharing this Garance, I’ve been going through the same kind of depression, same anxiety attacks and I just started seeing a therapist but so far I don’t feel like it’s working. My husband (who is the only person who knows how serious my depression and anxiety is) is helping anyway he can and he wants me to be strong and maybe try to do something else, change career etc (I work in social media too, which drives me nuts) but I can’t find the power in myself to do any of those things. I’ve been thinking about medication but everyone is so against it (and I myself am also afraid of prescription drugs) but reading this made me more willing to give it a shot. I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel again, I want to be happy about things I used to be happy about. It feels good to know that I’m not alone, we are not alone, and it’s OK to get help and talk about it. I’m so happy you are alright again, I hope I’ll get there too.
    Love
    xx

  • Elif,
    Take the medication if it helps you get grounded again. I did for 6 months because the Bourdain solution looked tempting. There are ways to get off the drugs too, but sometimes you need a bit of help to balance things out.
    Dr Kelly Brogan is a great resource for not needing the medication,should yout choose to explore that option. There are so many speaking up now.
    Talking about it helped me the most and learning to say no to things I didn’t want to do. For every person that doesn’t care, there are several who are going through similar issues. Talking frees you. Good luck and lean on those that love you.
    Therese

  • Dear Garance! This is definitely one of my fav notes/posts I’ve ever read from you! As someone who has been reading your blog since Day 1 and also following your career and team growth – we, from the outside, often only see the glamorous, rich and fabulous side of who you are and how you express your environment! You have no idea who often I’d check your IG or your site on a very busy work day and think to myself “Wow, she gets to go on another trip somewhere exotic and just have fun! What a life! Only in a dream”. As a 29-year old woman running a tech company and spending 8-10 hours a day doing pretty complex work + also being a full time athlete, I feel like everyday I am pushing a huge mountain forward on daily basis. My nails are never painted, I don’t wear make up. Most of the time I dress like a boy. I barely travel, or vacation and I spend very little time on social media. I don’t have close friends – only my spouse and parents are my best friends. Yet, I am always happy! Thus reading your post really shocked me! How can someone with such a beautiful life have depressive states. I remember one time as a joke, I was thinking of dropping some of my work load in tech and see if I can do something more creative like you! But maybe I should just stick to what makes me happy eh ;) I truly wish you all the happiness in the world as well as balance and moderation. Shutting off social media and using it moderately is def step one!

  • Merci. Ce que j’ai toujours apprécié dans ce blog, c’etait ce franc parler, cette capacité à parler de tes émotions et fragilités malgré tout le succès qui t’entoure…ce que je retrouvais moins ses derniers temps.
    Après a propos des antidépresseurs , un médecin m’a vulgarisé l’a chose suivante un jour: « la joie est en quelque sorte une chimie dans le cerveau…seulement chez certains cette chimie n’a pas ou plus lieu, en quoi prendre une pilule pour recréer ce processus chimique est il mauvais?! »
    Quant à l’idée de faire un pas de côté pour voir les choses sous un angle différent, ça fait tout…mais c’est le travail le plus dur quand on ne va pas bien!
    Merci encore, de la part d’une mélancolique chronique

  • Thank you for this, as a young professional who’s starting out, this is very important to hear. That money, love and success aren’t everything. That my mental health is important and I should know when it’s off and when to release everything and take time to re-acquaint myself with me. I shouldn’t take it for granted that who I am now is who I’ll always be and if that changes then something must be wrong. This peace taught me that change must be embraces and I should reconnect with myself regularly so I can know myself and love myself, whoever that may be at any given point in time. You taught me that joy is important and I should prioritize it. I won’t get sucked in, I promise

  • Merci!!!

  • Chère Garance,
    C’est telllement bon de lire tes mots. J’ai l’impression de lire ma propre expérience. Comme tu l’ecris, beaucoup de personnes prennent des AT, mais peu en parle. Ce que tu écris me donne envie d’en parler plus avec mes proches, car peu sont au courant. Comme toi je me dis que je devrais peut être en prendre pour le reste de ma vie. Ce n’est pas l’idéal bien sûr. Mais il vaut mieux ça que l’angoisse. J’ai pensé aussi à l’ayahuasca pour en arrriver à la même conclusion … Je te souhaite encore du courage car le chemin est sinueux et on retombe parfois un peu. Tu as la chance de pouvoir mettre en œuvre tes choix, profites-en! Selon moi, l’apaisement vient de la mise en œuvre de choix qui finissent par s’imposer…

  • Garance, I have been reading your blog for about a decade now. This is the most beautiful, powerful, important piece you have ever written. Your bravery in writing this will touch thousands of people and reassure them that it is ok not to always be ok. Myself included. Thank you.

  • Félicitations pour ce texte franc et courageux. Le publier ici est une caisse de résonnance incroyable. On a en nous le pouvoir de se rendre heureux, mais il faut s’autoriser à aller chercher de l’aide. Tout le monde devrait savoir qu’on peut renaitre à soi-même, plusieurs fois, que ca peut être joyeux et tenir à peu de choses, au bon moment. Tout est lié :)

  • Anastasia September, 9 2018, 4:53 / Reply

    Dear Garance,

    first I AM SO GLAD that you are starting to get better! You obviously know now to be kinder to yourself and take your time… I greatly admire your bravery in sharing this, openness and honesty.
    I am a psychiatrist and psychotherapist practising in the field for many years. I work every day with people who, in addition to their emotional suffering, are burdened with blaming themselves for it and don’t expect sympathy, understanding, help or kindness.

    So in addition to my best wishes for your continuing recovery and for a joyful and fulfilling life, I want to add my thanks. You may not realise it but you are helping us mental health professionals battle one of our worse enemies: stigma against people with mental health problems. This is what keeps a lot of people away from getting the help that they need. Yet, as I always tell my patients (i.e. those who a very sceptical about trying medications or other forms of treatment), why deprive oneself from what might make life a little easier, even more meaningful?

    With respect and admiration

    Anastasia

  • Christine September, 9 2018, 4:56 / Reply

    You are very lucky you have the money to afford a good doctor and therapy. I have depression and like so many others can’t afford to do much about it. Where I live therapy is very expensive.

  • MONIKA ORLOWSKA September, 9 2018, 5:39 / Reply

    Thank you for sharing with us :)

  • Charlotte September, 9 2018, 5:39 / Reply

    Merci et grosses bises, ? Garance.
    Tu es un modèle de vie contemporaine avec tous nos hauts et bas.
    Ta communauté t’aime très fort.

  • Thank you Garance x

  • Merci Garance… du fond du coeur !

  • Love honest and brave people like you!

  • Maria Schmidt September, 9 2018, 7:27 / Reply

    Bravo for you! Keep on going! All the best!

  • Merci Garance pour ce partage!
    Ton témoignage encourage chacun à mettre des mots sur ces moments sombres et cette météo nuageuse dans la tête. C’est vrai, les médias sociaux montrent souvent un hyperidéal de la vie. La vraie vie est rarement rose et elle est parfois peinte de couleurs auxquelles nous n’avons pas été préparés à voir. Je suis heureuse de lire que ces moments de dépression t’ont amenée vers cette nouvelle femme que tu es devenue, inspirante, profonde, fragile et pleine de vie. Blandine

  • Bonjour,

    J’ai vécu cette expérience angoisse, la vie qui nous échappe… durant deux ans jusqu’à faire une extrasystole et finir aux urgences avec le sentiments que mon cœur était sorti de ma poitrine… depuis un divorce et un peu de ménage dans ma vie professionnelle. Mais surtout la prise en compte de mes réels désirs, sentiments,… En fait je suis devenu “égoïste” pour parler (encore dans le jugement mais j’y travail!!) simplement sans être négative… Je suis bien …et je me le dis tout les jours…pas pour me rassurer mais pour réaliser que je vais bien!!!!Bravo pour cette exposition médiatique …c’est courageux car vous êtes plus exposée…écrire cette page a dû être une forme de libération!!

  • Marion Kappes September, 9 2018, 7:44 / Reply

    Merci merci merci merci pour ta générosité et ton honnêteté. Merci pour ta présence et tes mots. Plein d’amour <3

  • Thank you, Garance. Your words hit even harder the next day. I wish for you much love along your journey.

    We are all connected and never alone though it may really seem so in our darkest moments. Your reaching out, getting help and making space for yourself are enormous steps and blessings. <3

  • Leslie Sherr September, 9 2018, 7:52 / Reply

    So, so brave. I went through something similar and was also saved by others. Without that, then, I would not be where/who I am today. My husband suffers from sleep disorders and his mental health is clearly affected by it. Would you be discreetly willing to share the name of your therapist? Unfortunately, they are not all created equal. You are on the path. Keep going!

  • Charlotte September, 9 2018, 7:58 / Reply

    Merci pour ce texte, je me suis malheureusement reconnue sur plusieurs points sur ta période de dépression. J’en ai pleuré parce qu’on essaye tellement de convaincre notre entourage que tout va bien, se convaincre soi même, c’est tellement fatiguant. On sait ce que l’on doit faire pour aller mieux, remonter la pente, mais on est fatiguée d’avance, et la seule chose que l’on est capable de faire, c’est de se rouler en boule dans un coin, et attendre que ça passe. Mais ça ne passe pas, pas tout seul en tout cas. Ton texte m’a simplement ouvert les yeux sur le fait, que oui, je crois que j’ai besoin d’aide. Donc oui, merci.

  • Beautifully and bravely written. May you continue to seek and find help as needed. Wishing you good health and the continued love and support of those close to you who helped you through this darkest of nights.

  • Dear Garance,
    Merci for being so open to us! This is very rare these days! I understand fully what you are talking about. Hugs from Hamburg!

  • I am proud to see such a talented lovely accomplished woman share such a humbling and sobering transformation. Your experience is raw and real and all the social media is often filled with fake phony and covered up. Thank you for being brave to share as we all need to remember we are human. We still can be moved by beauty and fabrics and inspired by fall fashion and art. Yet, we must not lose connection to what is the depth of our selves and others and that is to kindly understand our selves with love and compassion for our wounds.

  • Incredibly well said. Thank you!

  • I have been a long time admirer of you and now when I thought I could not admire and respect you more, I do. Your honesty, authenticy and your ability to be vulnerable is what has always sold me on you. We met once in Montreal when I was just starting my blog and your advice…be genuinely yourself. You are a shining example of the very best a woman can be. Good wishes on your continued recovery.

  • marsha glazer September, 9 2018, 9:17 / Reply

    garance, please continue to write about mental health with your honest and reflective style. We need more people willing to share this experience and open the conversation about depression. thankyou for being so brave and brilliant!
    merci

  • Thank you for being so vulnerable. I have followed you and admired you for a long time. Being your authentic self is why we all love you.

    xoxo

  • Take good care of you M. and of your hubby. Happy there is light after the darkness xo

  • Thank you Garance. Depression can be life threatening and if more people who are open about it then we save lives.
    I sincerely thank you.
    E

  • Do medications really work? See nutritionfacts.org regarding antidepressants.

  • Mary-Margaret Z September, 9 2018, 9:45 / Reply

    You’ve been a style and sensibility inspiration for me for years and i’ve never, until now, written to say so. Your description of how depression feels and what it’s like when it’s hold loosens rang so true for me. I also had the spectre of death show up in my peripheral vision, trying to lure me toward it. It was a combination of the unconditional love of those closest to me and learning to give myself that same gift that pulled me through and led me to stable, healthy life. It’s always been easy for me to forgive the anxieties, mistakes, and imperfections of others. It took a long time learn to forgive myself – it’s still a practice. When I feel myself spiraling back down, I sometimes repeat out loud “I forgive myself” over and over until it rings true. Your humility and humanity make you all the more inspiring to me. Thank you for being real. By sharing many dimensions of yourself and your struggles as well as successes, you gain ever greater depth, beauty, and leadership and make the world a bit better, brighter, and more hope-filled. Thank you.

  • Merci Garance.

  • MsAudreyWu September, 9 2018, 10:35 / Reply

    What a brave post, Garance! Thank you for being so forthcoming with your story.

  • J’avais arrêté de te lire quand tu es arrivée en Californie, je ne retrouvais plus ce que j’aimais en toi, alors que je te lisais depuis tes débuts. J’habite aussi ici en Californie depuis dix ans, et ce n’est pas la jet setter que j’aimais en toi. Tes mots me touchent et je retrouve celle que j’aimais lire. Je suis contente de te retrouver. Bon week-end!

  • ?? Thank you

  • Dear Garance,
    I want to applause your courage. Depression is a major mental health issue despite the prejudgment that is everywhere. This’s a real and global health problem disguised all over the world, between work, home, students, children, family and friends…. but everyone closes their eyes or looks away. Depression has to be cared by all as silent disease that everyone at some point in your life is subject to having it.
    It is with your courage and influence that with baby steps we can “cast a spell” to change mentalities of our global politicians, and treat Depression very gentle in the people’s mind.
    I’m a follower of you at Instagram and I felt impelled to visit your site and read all about your statement. I have something in my lifes’ mission related to this specific problem that I cannot ignore. I’ve my 9to5 work but my major mission is to create a mental health awareness in companies and at schools. Your “reminder” to me about this is my strength to never give up of my project.
    Please receive a lots of LOVE, r*

  • Tuto Newman September, 9 2018, 12:22 / Reply

    Bravo
    Brave
    Beautiful
    Sacred
    Truth
    Made me cry
    ?

  • Tuto Newman September, 9 2018, 12:27 / Reply

    Because you are a visual person
    You were able to make the invisible visual
    This is you gift
    And you shared it with humility
    And grace.
    Sending you love

  • Glad you are getting help and making the adjustments that feel right for you. YNWA even though it may feel that way at times.

  • Emmanuelle Bourlier September, 9 2018, 1:07 / Reply

    Merci <3

  • Thanks Garance, for sharing. We hope the best for you.

  • Oh Garance, today, more than any other day of my entire life, I needed to read this. Thank you so very much. xo

  • Merci Garance de t’ouvrir comme ça à nous. Le monde actuel est tout de même bizarre et me fait malheureusement penser au “Meilleur des Mondes” et la nécessité de devoir prendre des substituts pour être heureux. Et je comprends totalement le fait des raisons sociaux, car quand je ne vais pas bien je vire Instagram au plus vite de mon téléphone (ainsi que Fb que j’ai carrément supprimé…)
    Pour moi l’idée de la réussite, c’était d’être au top, et finalement je me suis rendue compte que vivre en paix entourée de plaisirs simples , amis et famille, animaux et jardin c’est finalement peut être la clé du bonheur.
    Je suis contente de retrouver tes textes en tous cas :-)

  • Thank you for writing your heart’s truth. I find it an inspiration to try and do so too.
    Courage, <3.

  • Depuis toutes ces années que je suis ton blog, je n’y ai jamais laissé de commentaire…
    c’est simplement pour te dire un énorme MERCI pour tes mots qui m’ont fait beaucoup de bien !

  • Thank you for your courage and honesty. Thank you for helping to lift the stigma of mental illness. It’s easier to tell someone you have an std than to tell them you have a mental illness.
    Thank you helping to change that, to remove the shame.

  • Merci. Merci de partager cela, ce que je vis c’est en moment, ce que j’essaie d’apprendre le lâcher prise … merci vraiment de dire la vérité vraie et de ne pas tomber dans la banalité désolée happy faces et de la psychologie positive qui quand on fait une vraie dépression ne font que nous culpabiliser. Merci Garance

  • Merci

  • louise darbonne September, 9 2018, 3:49 / Reply

    I already left a very quick comment after reading your article…it was quick and to the point, now after reflecting on your piece, which l have been since reading it, l just want to say that l feel that l am no longer alone…l have had those “black dog” days and some…..The “pink” pills (pour voir la vie en rose..) yes to chemical crutches, when needs must….and why not forever? I certainly know now that l can’t really cope without, but have come to terms with that fact…..

  • Simplement MERCI pour cet article.

  • Garance I don’t even know you and yet I am so proud of you. I wish you all the best on your journey …. some people never figure it out but you are well on your way.

  • après mon veuvage au bout d’un an et demi la dépression s’est insinuée et tout l’amour de mes proches ne suffisait plus j ‘ai dû passer par l’hypnose et tout va mieux ! merci pour ton témoignage ! ta façon d’être humaine et si bienveillante est un trésor prends soin de toi!

  • Merci Garance.
    Ton témoignage m’a ému au larmes tant je m’y reconnais. J’ai tergiversé des années et je sais mainte que ce voile noir existe aussi pour moi. Merci d’en parler, d’aider ceux et celles qui s’abîment sur ces parois glissantes.

  • Beautifully written and honest. Thank you for sharing your story- I know how hard depression and anxiety can be from my own experience and it’s something we all need to share more openly. Sending love xx

  • Mamavalveeta03 September, 9 2018, 5:18 / Reply

    Oh Garance, I just want to give you a big hug! You describe what it’s like to fall into depression so clearly. Because it IS like falling, and you can’t catch yourself. I’ve been struggling with this infernal disease for over a decade now, and if I didn’t have Cymbalta, I don’t know where I’d be right now….or IF I’d even be. People don’t often understand medication unless they’ve been there themselves. Listen to your Dr. and to your own heart about that need. I’ve decided that I may need to be on an antidepressant for the rest of my life. And that’s ok if it allows me to function and live my life. I now take great enjoyment in watching my grandchildren play and grow, and I play with them. It’s been tough for my older daughters to come to grips with my disease….They tell me I’m not the mom they knew while growing up. But I’ve come to terms with that. And now they have to. We wouldn’t tell someone with cancer that they shouldn’t take life-saving meds, so we shouldn’t do that to people with depression. There’s so much more to be learned. Thanks for sharing your experience with us. We love you!

  • Delcambre September, 9 2018, 5:30 / Reply

    Tellement touchant ton texte. Je vis une situation Similaire à la tienne et je suis à bout, je trouve personne qui me comprend et qui peut me venir en aide.
    aurais- tu un psychiatre à me conseiller ?

  • Dear Garance,
    First of all, thank you for sharing your experience.
    I’m really glad that you feel better.
    However, for anyone reading this comment dealing with depression as well, I would undoubtedly recommend to consider doing The Way Of Saint James (El Camino).
    It may be very helpful.
    Lots of Love,

  • Thank you for sharing this very important piece, Garance. I felt like you were describing what was going on in my head due to a depression that I didn’t know I was in. It’s so incredible that it is such a secret society, those of us that have chosen to take medication. And my god, it has helped me so much, I can’t even put it into words. What a treasure to hear your voice again.

  • Thank you Garance. Thank you for saying something. You’re someone I look up to and you do seem to have an amazing life, but if I’ve learnt anything, it’s that everyone has their issues. Thanks for bringing yours to light. It makes me feel better about my own ever-changing situation. Love.

  • Thank you

  • Elizabeth September, 9 2018, 9:57 / Reply

    Thank you for sharing your story, Garance! I’m so glad you’re feeling better. Wishing you the best & lots of love.

  • I’ve been a psychiatric RN for nine years and I’m embarrassed to write that when I first started working with adults I was insensitive and ignorant. Unless my patients were bi-polar, psychotic or confused I would get annoyed by some of the behaviors. Only after years of having my own losses, changes and seeking did I finally gain some understanding of what causes us to suffer and actually hear my patients and their stories. Thank you for your honesty, it’s always interesting to learn time and time again that we’re all made up if the same things. Typically “My mental health is suffering” is not what we want to hear amongst our friends , family and colleagues. But little by little, the stigma is starting to Life. This was refreshing. Peace

  • Jt Covelli September, 9 2018, 11:10 / Reply

    This was such a kind thing. That you are able to put into words the pain you are in is amazing. I hope many benefit from this wonderful piece of writing. Take care of yourself.

  • Don’t underestimate the healing power of exercise as a natural remedy. Find something (anything) physical you love and do more of it!!

  • Thanks for your sharing, and thanks for your honest. This is impressive. Love You! : )

  • Garance, I love your stories and your honesty. Often they resonate with where I am in life. It is a shock however, to read you are taking medication.. is that really you? Is that the way for you to recover? What happened with being in nature, spending time alone, some light exercise, a hug from a loved one? And allowing yourself to feel the way you feel, for a day a week a month or a year. It is ok. I always felt you are a very ‘natural’ person, sometimes drifting to always return after. Like we all do in our own ways, time and moment. I am sending you love, light and patience..

  • Thank you and thank for you, Garance.

  • Merci Garance, d’avoir eu le courage de livrer cette part très intime de toi, d’abord pour toi et puis pour nous.

    Comme tu dis si bien, les anti-dépresseurs sont des solutions pour certains et d’autres pas mais en aucun cas il faut les bannir totalement et ne pas les envisager comme un béquille permettant de refaire surface et d’entamer un travail sur soi car ils sauvent des vies.

    <3

  • Merci Garance.

  • marie-anne capdeville September, 10 2018, 5:12 / Reply

    je suis très émue Garance de te lire et heureuse que tu vives plus pour toi .
    Ne pense qu’a toi !sois egoiste !
    tu nous donnes une belle leçon d’honnetete et de vie !
    la vie est pleine de ups and downs qui nous font nous sentir vivants .
    Soyons la les uns pour les autres c’est la plus chere des valeurs!
    penser avec le Coeur….
    a toi !!!

  • Bonjour Garance,

    Heureuse de te retrouver…
    Bravo pour avoir fait le choix de la vie, de l’amour. Et bravo pour avoir eu le courage de le partager avec ton entourage, puis avec nous.

    Le simple fait d’être soi même, de s’accepter…avec ses limites….
    <3

  • Cass Estes September, 10 2018, 11:34 / Reply

    Thank you for sharing this part of yourself, we all struggle and I have been struggling since I had my child. It’s not easy, whether you are getting what you wished for(my daughter, who is now 6) or not. I appreciate hearing that the pretty shell is cracked and you are only human like all of us. We are in this together and must support each others healing and truth. Hugs + Love to you and all of us that are having a hard time.

  • Alexis in LA September, 10 2018, 3:31 / Reply

    Bonjour, Garance. Long-time subscriber, first-time commenter. I felt compelled today to say “Ditto!” to the feelings described in this feature.
    Over 10 years ago, the shiny, high-paying jobs I held after graduating ended with a layoff. I’m pretty sure now I had what might be called a nervous breakdown. I WAS my career. Don’t get me wrong, I luved what I was doing. It was my identity, though and until I wasn’t doing it anymore, I didn’t know who I was. And I let shame and embarrassment, among other emotions. run me following that period in my life. I grew up in LA and there’s a powerful, unspoken message to desire success here. Just don’t LOOK like you really want it.
    After discovering that getting my Italian-clad foot back in the door of my industry was not going to be a foregone conclusion, I tried my hand at a number of jobs and hobbies. Here I sit over a decade later, STILL plagued by self-doubt. It starts out small in the corner of a room. Before I know it, it has morphed, Edgar Allen Poe-style, to become my double, its arm firmly around me, saying, “Isn’t this great, you an’ me, isolated and terrified?” The “raucous personality” my Mom once noted in my baby book many moons ago ends up on mute.
    I’m in the midst of wanting to start a new company and I’m scared TO death…of trying and failing. And then not trying at all. It’s maddening.
    I don’t want to say, “Oh, I’m so glad you’ve been suffering, too!” Perhaps it’s the messenger and from someone else, I’d say, “Oh, God. Here goes another celebrity/tv doctor/blogger telling me to just drink green juice. I’ll be fine in the morning.” The patronizing pattern of our culture gets tiresome. I had a very traumatizing loss in my family when I was 10, forcing me to grow up fast. I don’t have time for BS. Give it to me straight. And you did.
    (Deep exhale.) Wow. I’ll pause here, say merci and continue to give myself those hugs of self-love. May we all have the patience with ourselves to take a moment and love ourselves. Ciao! Alexis

  • Bonjour Garance,

    Merci pour ce partage, cela demande tant de courage et d’humilité!
    Tes mots résonnent profondément en moi, car la dépression fait partie de ma vie depuis toujours.
    Je suis née dans le deuil car j’ai un frère qui est décédé subitement lorsque ma mère était enceinte de moi. Ma mère à fait trois dépressions majeures dans sa vie. Moi, j’ai lutté très souvent pour ne pas sombrer aussi. J’ai fait ma première dépression/burn-out à 15 ans, et ça m’a prit toute la vingtaine pour m’en remettre. Aujourd’hui j’ai 34 ans, et je viens d’apprendre cette terrible nouvelle: je souffre de réserve ovarienne basse précoce; en d’autres mots, je n’ai plus d’ovules et je suis en pré-ménopause précoce. Je n’avais aucun symptôme!!! J’ai fait des tests de fertilité car malgré tous nos essais avec mon mari, le bébé tant attendu ne se présentait pas. Moi qui rêvait d’une famille depuis l’adolescence, cette nouvelle m’a poignardé le coeur.
    Je lutte aussi, comme toi, le plus grand combat de ma vie en ce moment, et je viens tout juste également de prendre un mois de congé car, ironie du sort, je suis acupuncteure spécialiste en fertilité… Alors qu’à mon travaille des patientes me surnomment la déesse de la fertilité, je me retrouve dans la seule situation où la médecine chinoise et même la FIV ne peu rien faire pour moi…
    Chaque matin je me lève avec cette douleur que tu connais si bien et me demande comment je vais passer la journée, puis je me couche le soir en me félicitant d’y être arrivée.
    Je me permet de pleurer et de parler, particulièrement lorsque en plus de ma peine je vis les “mood swings” de la pré-ménopause! Je me convint que la vie me réserve de belles choses et que chaque petit détail compte… Comme ce beau témoignage que tu nous livre aujourd’hui.
    Merci et bon courage dans cette épreuve Garance, je t’envois tout plein d’amour. xx

  • Garance: je suis contente que tu ailles mieux, je te suis depuis tellement longtemps, je suis même venue t’ecouter Faire une petite conférence à l’Apple Opera à Paris et j’etais Déjà tellement fan de toi à l’epoque j’avais 20 ans c’etait Il y a peut être 8 ans ??! Je te souhaite un doux chemin de guérison… ma mère qui n’est plus là mais a connu plusieurs dépressions s’est battue toute sa vie pour faire passer le message « c’est une vraie maladie, je vais vraiment mal » ! Contente que tu retrouves le sourire dans les choses simples.
    Eliane: Votre témoignage est vraiment bouleversant…. je sais que c’est Délicat de dire ça mais il y a d’autres façons d’avoir un enfant. J’ai eu un enfant ( qui a grandi dans mon ventre ) et toute ma grossesse j’ai eu peur de ne pas l’aimer assez. Il est né et donc j’ai compris, j’ai compris en accouchant qu’il était possible d’adopter un enfant et de l’aimer autant qu’un enfant biologique. Il est arrivé dans mes bras mais il aurait pu pousser ailleurs que dans mon ventre je l’aurais aimé pareil. La vie m’a « confié » cet enfant qui m’a envahie d’une énorme vague d’amour quand il est né et devenu « réel » mais pas avant bizarrement. Depuis, j’ai envie d’adopter car j’ai aucun doute que je pourrais aimer pareil.
    Je vous souhaite sincèrement plein de belles choses dans les années à venir et je n’ai aucun doute sur le fait que vous aussi vous avez droit à votre part de bonheur quel qu’il soit <3

  • Ces derniers années des proches sont morts – de suicide – parfois par désespoir, parfois pour partir droit dans leurs bottes…le geste n’a pas tout à fait le même sens pour les uns ou pour l’autre. Depuis j’ai perdu toutes mes certitudes et tout me parait d’une fragilité extrême et j’apprends à être résiliente…c’est un travail quotidien d’ajustement de ma vie extérieure à ma vie intérieure et inversement . Ton post de “désacralisation”est extrêmement courageux. Je te souhaite de retrouver la légèreté d’être. Merci.

  • Thank you, Garance, for sharing your story. So glad you talked about antidepressants. I know firsthand that they can save lives. When I started on mine, they took a couple of months to really make a difference, but then it was as if a veil had been lifted. Suddenly I found myself again and I had the energy and will to help myself in other ways, too. Depression is a disease, and antidepressants are medicine. There is no shame in taking medicine to get better and to stay well. Take care, and thank you again.

  • Thank you for sharing Garance. This entire piece brought so much light. I’m happy to hear someone finding their bliss after reaching out for help. Gave me the perespective I was looking for. Merci & Mahalo from Oahu Hawai’i.

  • Chère Garance,
    merci beaucoup, du fond du coeur , pour cette honnêteté, cette pureté qui m’a fait pleuré. Pas des larmes de douleurs mais des larmes de compréhension.
    Moi même j’ai été dans ce stade l’année dernière. J’ai tout fait pour sortir de ma tristesse, de mes peurs, de mes angoisses, de ma solitude , par contre je suis retombé il y a quelque mois. Mais je savais très bien d’ou venait mes monstres donc début juillet j’ai pris la décision de quitter mon travail ( sans même avoir une autre option en vue ). Au début c’était dûr, très dûr, pleins de remords, des questions sur le futur, des soucis pleins la tête, mais avec le recul des dernières semaines et le repos ( qui me manquait ) le fait de quitter ce prison ( lieu de travail ) m’a montrer qu’il y a autre chose que le travail comme la joie de vivre ( celle que j’avais perdu le long du trajet ) et celle que je redécouvre jours après jour un peu plus.
    For me it’s time to make a change NOW. I want to be myself again, I want to be authentic and real. I’m focused on my dreams and I know deep down in side of me that I’m worthy and capable to achieve everything .
    For me the present, the NOW is what’s important.
    Tomorrow I have my second interview – recall – for a job position and I know deep down inside of me , that this job is exactly what I want. And even if I fail, I will stay committed to fail forward. Each fail is also a lesson and a chance to make it better the next time.
    SO.. be proud of who you are .
    Looking forward to read your second book one day :-)
    Wish you all the best.
    Annick

  • Juste MERCI et plein d’AMOUR

  • Thank you. I, like you, have a charmed life. I, like you, can not find the joy in it even when I’m surrounded by my beautiful children and the beautiful children I serve everyday. This was the nudge I needed.

  • C’est très touchant ce que tu livres, je garde pour toujours une belle image de toi pleine de joie et pétillante pourtant comme je te comprends.
    J’espère te revoir vite à Paris! ??

  • Thank you Garance for being open about something that can be so frightening to admit to yourself, let alone others. I went through a similar experience and recognise much of what you say. I should probably add that I came out much (much!) happier – it’s possible. Take good care of yourself!

  • MERCI de vous etre confiée.
    Prenez grand soin de vous!Vvous etes la mieux placée car la seule à pouvoir le faire!

  • Première fois que je laisse un commentaire. Impossible de ne pas te dire “MERCI” tout simplement.
    Flo x

  • CAROLINA FANTASTICHINI September, 11 2018, 2:16 / Reply

    Thank you. So much for sharing your feelings. I felt this way not long ago. I too cry for Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade, and so many people I’ve admired and have gone through the ultimate darkness. This darkness is so difficult to explain yet you have given it dimension, in a way that is as palpable as rain. Finding courage and honesty in people who suffer the same pain feels like hope and strength. As though we are holding hands, together. Thank you.

  • dear garance,
    thankyou so much for sharing this. i have rarely felt so understood / so capable of understanding. i wish you all the best.
    love,
    anna

  • Garance, thank you for speaking out on this topic. As a resident physician in Psychiatry, I’ve seen both patients and loved ones struggle with the stigma of their diagnoses and the perception that they are alone in their suffering. Even worse, the stigma extends to the decision to take antidepressants. Thank you for affording the necessary grey to an issue that is often painted in absolutes of black and white.
    Sending love from Montreal. <3

  • Thank you so very much for sharing this, Garance. It was hard to go through it and hard to tell us about it. I truly admire you.

  • Dear Garance,
    Thank you very much …. you are a beautful person.
    So many positive thoughts to you
    Raffaella

  • …et tu as recommence a manger du sucre, raisonnablement ?

  • Bonjour Garance,

    Merci pour ton article ! Très bel article.
    Pour ma part, j’ai connu également une forme de dépression par l’anorexie. Mon corps m’a explicitement montré qu’il n’en pouvait plus. Dès que j’ai vu les premiers signes (forte perte de poids en peu de temps), j’ai de suite essayé d’y remédier. La grosse perte de poids se faisait ressentir sur les nerfs également … Période très difficile et traumatisante pour moi. Entendre que son corps se détériore parce qu’il n’en peut plus, c’est difficile.
    J’ai donc pris rapidement rendez vous avec une diététicienne nutritionniste ainsi que d’un psy. Les deux combinés m’ont permis de m’en sortir.

    Voilà pour ma petite histoire…
    Bonne journée
    Amy Mo

  • Merci infiniment pour cet article Garance. Tu as eu le courage de parler de cette période difficile de ta vie ouvertement, à tes proches d’abord, tes collègues ensuite, et enfin à tes lecteurs, des étrangers, certes qui t’apprécient, mais tout de même des étrangers.
    Alors que je suis anonyme ici j’ai du mal à parler de mon cas. Je viens d’effacer le long récit que j’ai écrit. Je ne préfère pas parler de moi.
    Enfin peu importe, merci encore Garance.

  • You’ve just made it easier for someone else to seek help rather than suicide.

    It takes an enormous amount of strength and courage to share what can feel shameful for so many. One day, it will be like sharing any other medical diagnosis and by going public you’ve helped that along the way.

    Thank you,

    An appreciative psychiatrist in nyc

  • Lucie Siggins September, 13 2018, 12:25 / Reply

    Thank you, Garance <3

  • Mais Garance !
    Je me demandais où tu etais passée, j’ai ma réponse : tu prenais soin de toi. Et c’est tant mieux. Bien que née après l’internet mondial, je ne comprends pas cette philosophie du “montre tout, fais semblant d’avoir une vie parfaite zéro defaut.”
    Ups and downs pour tout le monde. On est au moins égaux là-dessus.
    C’est une excellente chose, que tu brises la théorie du plastique instagram. Tu es une vraie dame, en proie aux doutes, douleurs. En fait, tu es over normal. Normal is the new healthy.
    Coeur sur toi et bon courage. <3

  • Dear Garance,
    this piece you just wrote is the reason why I started following your blog and why I keep doing it!!!

    THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for sharing your experience and for always make me feel not the only one feeling something.

    I passed through the same path I can only imagine how it was painful to write this.

    Keep going strong, or not! You are not alone!

    A big hug from an italian reader!

  • Anne-Sophie September, 13 2018, 5:12 / Reply

    Merci Garance pour ton magnifique témoignage! Je suis extrêmement émue. Comme beaucoup d’autre, moi aussi je me suis un jour perdue, et de cette expérience, j’ai beaucoup appris. J’ai l’impression que tu as déjà fait du chemin… Je t’embrasse bien fort+

  • Bonjour Garance
    Je ne comprenais pas pourquoi … je ne comprenais plus tes dernières publications…
    Je comprends aujourd’hui…

    Je te souhaite une chose toute simple et tellement essentielle : de retrouver le sommeil de l’enfance – évident – et le bonheur d’un réveil joyeux …pour toutes les journées à venir.
    Pour le reste je fais confiance à ta créativité et à ton talent !

  • Dear Garance,

    I’m following your blog for years and I was very sad to read “Zero”.

    The way you are describing deep depression is how I experienced it, many years ago.
    Truth is that we can try with many doctors, psychologists or spiritual teachers and they can lead us on our way back but after all that , many times, it’s just temporary relief.

    I was there many years, in that deep dark cave and it was overwhelming and awful.

    The most dreadful realisation for me was that I knew that I have to go out alone. People from outside help, but I have to “climb the walls”

    It takes time, it takes patience, it’s absolutely possible.

    In my case, my way out was when I stopped voice in my head which was repeating “my story”
    My story was sad: I lost my husband, he died, I was alone, I was not “successful”, crappy childhood, so many problems.
    All that together was “a cocktail” which ended up in terrible depression.

    There were moments when I thought that I will not find way out.

    But, you know, there is ALWAYS a way out. My way was to realise that all suffering and misery was created by unconscious believe that my thoughts are who I am. I created a story of me and it was very sad story.

    I did the same like you, searching for help, in panic. But after some time, darkness would come back because story was still here.

    So I decided to remove the story.
    Can you stop thinking about your story?
    If there is no story, there is no emotions, no reaction, it’s just peace.

    In the begining I had just few moments of that divine peace, without constant stories in my head. After a while I became very skilled observer of my thoughts and emotions (as the result of thoughts) and depression was not coming back, there was no heaviness inside.

    Worrying is also one type of story, it’s also just one form of thoughts, but it’s still just a product of mind, without control.

    I couldn’t give up my story so easily, it was part of my identity, until I came to the point of deep darkness.
    There was no point of analysing, searching for help, talking about my story when that story doesn’t exist any more. It existed because I was keeping it alive. In fact, I didn’t have to do anything, my mind was “feeding” the story, without me being there to control it. All that past, all those “wounds”, looking at all that closely, they live only in our heads, they don’t exist right now.

    In your situation is one more thing very obvious, giving a lot to people around you, so much you’ve done, so much work. You are real hero.
    But it’s time to take it slower tempo than before. It’s time to slow down.

    Love,
    M.

  • Dear M., thank you for sharing your perspective here. Your explanation of how you detached from the “story” in your head and got out of the darkness is very helpful to me. Wishing you all the best.

  • Chère Garance,

    merci pour ta sincerité, ta générosité et ton courage. Tes mots sont un cadeau précieux. Tu nous montres le chemin sans occculter les passages difficiles et pour cela je te remercie et te souhaite de tout coeur de trouver ton nouvel et bel équilibre.

  • Thank yo so much for sharing! So much recognition, I cried! … Very important to talk about it! I think there are still people who don’t understand what it means and how brave it is to share and talk about it. By the way: I also suffered from insomnia, at times still have problems, nobody ever told me it could be related to depression!
    What helped me a lot was taking long walks in the countryside. And yes, limited social media. Thank you Garance!!

  • Merci, Garance. J’ai 23 ans, je suis et j’ai été dans les « plus belles années de ma vie » mais pour moi ca a été les pires. Mes proches savent, se sont inquiétés,ont été présents, mais ne comprennent pas, réellement. Votre témoignage m’a fait un bien fou, vous avez mis des mots le là où j´avais des difficultés à en mettre.

    Merci pour cela.

  • Je me bats avec ma sante mentale depuis une petite dizaine d’annees (deja!). J’ai commence avec des episodes depressifs terribles en rentrant dans l’age adulte, pendant ma terminale. Ca s’est poursuivi avec une bonne depression qui a dure toute ma licence. Puis ca s’est mue en syndrome d’anxiete generalisee a la suite d’une episode traumatisant. Quand je me suis rendue compte que mes crises d’angoisse a repetition n’etaient pas du tout normales, j’ai commence a voir une psychologue fantastique, Gen. Elle m’a litteralement sauvee parce que, depuis mon traitement avec elle, et grace a toutes les techniques de CBT, de minfulness et de self care qu’elle m’a apprises, mon anxiete a peu a peu disparu. Elle est toujours en moi, et mon bonheur tient a un equilibre extremement fragile qui peut etre brise par un simple changement dans ma routine. Mais depuis Gen, j’ai redefini ce que le bonheur voulait dire pour moi, et j’ai compris qu’etre heureuse passerait fondamentalement par retomber amoureuse de moi meme. Et que le reste etait secondaire. Rien n’importe plus que de prendre soin de soi, de s’ecouter, de donner a son corps et son esprit ce dont il a besoin. C’est miraculeux: quand j’ai mis ca en pratique, tout m’a souri. J’ai trouve du travail dans la ville de mes reves, dans une profession creative que j’adore et dans une agence qui est devenue une seconde famille. Soudain les personnes qui me correspondaient parfaitement se sont mis a graviter autour de moi. Je me suis fait beaucoup d’amis, j’ai rencontre une mentor, mon moral est au beau fixe dpeuis. Et quand je sens que je commence a resombrer dans les limbes de l’anxiete/depression, j’ai les techniques de Gen pour eviter que ca n’empire, pour me calmer et revenir a qui je suis et ce que je sais.

    Bref, en tout cas, c’est tres important de parler ouvertement de la sante mentale. Il subsiste un stigma autour de ca qui n’a pas lieu d’etre, et plus on en parle, mieux c’est. Apres tout, personne n’aurait honte de dire qu’il a la grippe ou une jambe cassee!

  • Thank you for this. Its such a positive a deep look on depression. I struggled with depression for some years until I was commited in a clinic and 90 days later I was the woman my husband met, just like you described, ready to face the world. Me too was without social media, actually not even a phone nor television. I ate healthy, I cried a lot, shared experiences with many different people, gave voice to my ghosts, exercized, discovered yoga, sang on weekends and finally laugh. I am doing a normal life for the last two years, but I know I need to take care and sometimes I feel like Im walking on ice. One of my plans (supported by my psychiatrist) is to do ayahuasca and iboga when I feel strong enough and free of any drugs on my system. It’s not a miracle, not to everyone, but Ive seen people around me, like my husband, getting to know themselves a lot better and dealing with life with such joy and lightness after their ceremonies. Keeping you in positive thoughts. ??

  • Thanks for this, Garance. Thanks for reminding how fragile it can all be. And thanks for the feeling of connection. Reading this made me realize I actually had been a little worried about how you’re doing – somehow it comes through even if it’s a person you only know through Instagram. (Though it actually has been for years now since I’ve been following you from the beginning.) Hope you all the best!

  • Thanks for this Garance. Thanks for reminding us how fragile it all is. And thanks for the feeling of connection. Reading this made me realize I’d actually been a little worried about how you’re doing – somehow it comes through even if it’s only someone you know through Instagram. (Even though in this case for a long time since I’ve been following you from the beginning. Hope all the best for you!

  • I have recently had a very similar experience. I fell apart, not for the first time. Antidepressants and therapy have got me back to being positive and happy and thinking more clearly and making better decisions than I have ever done. I was in a pit where I couldn’t leave the house because I cried constantly and I have a good life and career. I now value myself and my mental health much more highly and every day I really appreciate being in a good place.

    Thank you for sharing your experience. When I was in that dark pit I felt crazy, a failure and alone in my experience. Knowing that you, someone I admire greatly, has shared that experience and has come out of it makes me feel less alone. Wishing you all the best in your path to positivity.

  • Jenny Kozlow September, 14 2018, 8:53 / Reply

    Garance you have put into words what post natal depression was for me and coming to terms with antidepressants. I told myself I was a failure and I certainly know now that was not true.
    I use social media less and less and no longer seek perfection. The relief of those things eases so much anxiety.
    I wish you all the best. You are heading in the right direction x

  • Your openness about your experience is truly admirable. I see my husband suffer from the same anguish and struggle to find ways to support him. This truly helps me to help him and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

  • Chère Garance,
    Je n’ai pas pour habitude de commenter sur les réseaux sociaux, mais vous m’avez touchée profondément…
    Votre souffrance a été aussi la mienne il y a 4 ans. J’avais pourtant tout pour être heureuse, enfants, mari aimant, argent…et je me suis perdue, noyée. Jusqu’à me dire un jour que ma vie était inutile…
    Le combat contre cette maladie a alors commencé, c’est un parcours long, il y a des rechutes, il ne faut jamais rien lâcher. Il y a un avant et un après, et même si je me suis retrouvée à présent, je suis différente car ce combat m’a ouvert les yeux sur beaucoup de choses.
    Les médicaments m’ont aidée à franchir un cap, c’est une béquille indispensable.
    Au bout d’un an j’ai dit stop, et j’ai cherché de toutes mes forces la cause de ma maladie. Aujourd’hui l’accuponcture, les plantes et le yoga sont mes alliés pour consolider mes victoires !
    Peut-être que vous me lirez, ou non, sachez juste que je vous comprends tellement et que vous n’êtes pas seule.
    Je vous souhaite beaucoup de bonheur à venir.

  • This comment is meant to be a reverence to you and your heart. Thank you for being so brave and open like this, it made my heart melt. I had this struggle when I was 25 (now 37), also with suicidal thoughts, no one could imagine I was depressed, because I am always the positive one. I also went on antidepressant, without anyone knowing it because they could not beleive it, so this fight was on my own at the beginning. It was a very low dose, and for my surprise only for 8 month, it really depends on your brain plasticity. Many people said, that once you start you will never stop, but that is not necessarily true, it depends on so many factors. Medication and a good doctor helped me stabilize, and then, came the great change: being thankfull, not wanting to control everything, letting go, be assertive, and the best: Always choose the path of love, in the way you think, talk, act, and live a simple beautyfull life inside of you, no matter what the outside looks like.
    Thank you for choosing the path of love Garance. You are a true warrior of light.

  • Beau ! Et tu n’est pas seule

  • Laila Torvanger Ryland September, 15 2018, 11:27 / Reply

    There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in ????https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mDTph7mer3I

  • MB Lieberman September, 15 2018, 11:56 / Reply

    Merci, Garance, for sharing your experience, and grateful to read your story, your journey to find you. Best gift.

  • Thank you so much for sharing. I have enjoyed your writing for a long time and love your vulnerability, bravery and beautiful perspective. One day in 2016 I cracked. That’s the perfect way to put it. It was a humbling and painful time, and it taught me some important lessons about myself and some I am still trying to figure out. It was so hard to explain and admit. I didn’t feel like my life was so difficult or horrible compared to anyone else, and I couldn’t understand why I just couldn’t handle it. Sometimes things have a way of piling up and I tried to ignore the many warning signs and just keep keeping on until my body and mind refused one day to take it anymore. I wish I had taken your advice and opened up about it before it became a crisis. So many of us keep our troubles to ourselves and it’s really harmful.

  • Dear Garance
    Thank ypu FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. I went through exactly the same thing for the past two years, and this year I said enough was enough, and started on antidepressants after many months saying I’d never do it. It really really helped.
    I was always such a light and happy person and suddenly I became dark.
    Now I am starting to feel like myself again.
    Thank you for talking about it. It is so reassuring to see we are not alone.

  • Merci Garance <3 Je t'envoie beaucoup d'amour

  • Bonjour Garance et bonjour à toutes,
    j’ai vécu exactement la même chose que toi Garance, assortie en prime d’une maladie physique qui s’est installée dans mon corps en même temps que la dépression – une sorte de fibromyalgie, des douleurs permanentes dans le corps qu’aucun médicament ne soulage chez moi. Le corps a cristallise la souffrance mentale dans les membres et le bassin – la base de notre vie.
    Alors oui, tout y étais – les fonds de l’enfer, les pensées à en finir, et même que ma vie était déjà fini (tout cela a commencé petit à petit à 40 ans (comme pour toi et beaucoup d’entre nous), j’en ai 48 maintenant. Et surtout j’étais seule, tellement seule dans cette souffrance.
    Alors oui, de l’aide, une sorte d’antidépresseur qu’on prescrit aux malades avec des grandes douleurs, il met un voile sur le ressenti de la douleur, et puis des calmants et des somnifères, car mes nuits était d’une horreur absolue et mes angoisses incontrôlables.
    Alors je veux te dire – oui c’était une sorte de mort, quand on avait ce sentiment, oui la mort de celle qui avait fait ma vie jusqu’au là – la fille super-forte est morte petit à petit dans cette agonie. Car le mécanisme qui l’alimentait pendant 40 ans s’est usé et les ressources grâce auxquelles il fonctionnait se sont vidées. Le relais a cassé et cette peur que l’on ressent à cette période – elle est là car on croit que c’est notre “LA vie” qui nous quitte. Alors que c’était “une de nos vie” qui nous quittait et de là , avec des moyens et aides et démarches qui sont propres à chacun on se repousse des fonds et on remonte petit à petit en créant notre “autre vie”.
    ça a l’air facile dit comme ça, mais cela demande un courage, une détermination, un désir de vivre et un amour de la vie hors norme -oui, et cela n’est pas inné à tous. Et aussi incroyable que ça puisse paraître Antony Bourdain a été certainement moins fort que toi.
    C’est un vrai combat pour notre propre vie qui se livre. Mon maître bouddhique dit que “ouvrir la lourde porte qui mène à notre propre vie est beaucoup plus difficiles que d’ouvrir les portes de tous les mystère de l’univers”
    Pourquoi de façon aussi difficile? Parce que je ne comprenais pas la manière douce. Parce que ce choc a été à la hauteur de ce que la vie a du déployé pour me faire arrêter, pour démolir l’ancien et construire le nouveau. J’ai balayé mon ancienne vie, tout a été emporté. Est-ce que l’on devient quelqu’un d’autre ? Non, on change telle que l’on est, sans changer notre nature véritable. J’ai découvert que ma fragilité et ma sensibilité était tout aussi nourriciers et créatives que mon ancien “super-wonder woman-mécanicisme”. Et que les autres m’aimait aussi faible et hésitante au lieu de “forte et décisionnaire”
    On peut raconter long sur le sujet…
    Résultat des courses 8 ans après le début de ce processus? Je vis maintenant dans le Var, là ou j’ ai toujours rêvé d’habiter, je me suis mariée ce printemps (pour la première fois de ma vie!) avec mon chère Jean-louis que j’ai rencontré il y a 3 ans (et qui sait donc exactement qui je suis) et ma vie avec notre petit potager, nos poules et ma petit boutique des vêtements vintage “on line” me rendent tellement heureuse. Parce je me suis battue pour elle – pour ma vie. Tout ce qui s’est passé était uniquement pour mon bien. La vie est toujours bienveillante, ce qu’elle fait est toujours pour notre bien. Et c’est le fait d’y croire, la foi en cela – qui, je pense, est la force principale qui nous aide à engager ce combat.
    Je vous embrasse fort, les filles))

  • Fanny Bassier September, 16 2018, 3:31 / Reply

    Thanks toi Garance <3

  • Garance! thank you for sharing your journey… listen to this podcast from Ezra Klein, and then move back to France!

    “What if depression is, in fact, a form of grief — for our own lives not being as they should?” asks Johann Hari. “What if it is a form of grief for the connections we have lost yet still need?”

    In his new book, Lost Connections, Hari advances an argument both radical and obvious: Depression and anxiety are more than just chemical imbalances in the brain. They are the result of our social environments, our relationships, our political contexts — our lives, in short.

    Hari, who has struggled with depression since his youth, went on a journey to try to understand the social causes of mental illness, the ones we prefer not to talk about because changing them is harder than handing out a pill. What he returned with is a book that claims to be about depression but is actually about the ways we’ve screwed up modern society and created a world that leaves far too many of us alienated, anxious, despairing, and lost.

    The philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti famously said, “It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a sick society.” So that, then, is the question Hari and I consider in this conversation: How sick, really, is our society?

    https://art19.com/shows/the-ezra-klein-show/episodes/805c9dc7-ce7d-4238-9e1b-491f138e61e4

  • Thank you, Garance, for opening up and sharing your personal thoughts and feelings with us.

    Having lived ‘happily’ for the past few years, I agree that only when one has it all, that is when the foundation crumbles. Covering up frustrations with fake smiles is not a solution and only through opening up about personal matters we can find true happiness from within. Thank you for sharing the always-so-positive energy on your blog and for inspiring me (and surely many others) to be more honest about mental health – online and between friends and family.

    Depression is not a swear word, being upset is natural. Let’s start digging deeper into our emotions and stop being ashamed of it.

    Lots of love,

    Gaby. x

  • Véronique September, 18 2018, 10:48 / Reply

    Que conseiller à une star du web qui ne supporte plus le web? De vendre sa boite tant qu’elle a encore une valeur marchande, de disparaître et d’aller ouvrir un bar ou une boutique dans un village corse.

  • Dear Garance

    I read your post and I would like to thank you for sharing this.
    I realise there are a lot of comments for you and a lot to handle, but please allow me to just say two things:
    – You are still my inspiration. Your honesty made me admire you even more. I follow your progress since 2012 when I read about you in the book by Ines de la Fressange.
    – Talking from experience, I just want to suggest you ask your partner how he feels. How this experience is effecting his life, his heart. A few years down the line I am still upset with my husband because he did not ask me about it. For better or worse, this is a shared experience happening under the same roof. Ask him. Focus on him for a couple of hours and see what happens.
    I wish you all the best
    Eve

  • Bonjour,
    Merci pour ce témoignage (ainsi que tous les autres : j’ai peu d’intérêt pour la mode cependant je n’ai jamais cessé de vous lire depuis l’adolescence, car vos écrits sont souvent fort justes). Bon rétablissement Garance.

  • Thank you Garance ?

  • Thank you so much for this Garance, and for continuing to share with us so beautifully and honestly.

    x
    Shanna

  • Thank you. Recognizable.

  • Catherine Tangney September, 23 2018, 12:52 / Reply

    dear garance,

    l love you
    i also love “how not to fuck up your hello”- there are so many rude hello’s nowadays, i can hardly breathe!

    my best help has been nature: mountains, rivers, streams, beaches and oceans and forests. i dont live near deserts, but i would love them too.

    try to avoid people if possible

    quiet is very helpful for hearing… yourself.
    don’t worry about children. take care of yourself first.

    much love,
    catherine

  • I think your so brave for what you wrote. You also spoke to me, I used to be on anti depressants. I stopped years ago. Now I’m back right where I started, emotional distress, confusion, lost in the meaning of “self care”, I will get back on them, and you know, I’ll take September and October off too. ????? xoxo thank you ?

  • This is beautiful and so relatable. It remind me so much of when I went to zero and how, slowly (and with anti depressants too) I got my joy back. Sending so much love to you, and to anyone who is starting that process of getting their joy back xx

  • Chère Garance,
    Merci infiniment pour ton partage, sincère, sans fard, et tellement poignant, car universel.
    N’oublions jamais de prendre véritablement soin de nous!
    Je t’embrasse.

  • Garance, Stop taking these medications now because you will never be able to walk back from them. I have experience in my family of this. You will not be cured. You will continue on to new medications and you will never feel right.

    Better to face up to what is making you sad. Figure it out and do something about it. Deal with the actual problems. Medication is just dealing with how you feel.

    I never recommend because everyone is so sceptical but my doctor gave me a homeopathic tincture years ago to counter depression and it changed me. I have a tendency to be anxious, but have led a normal happy life as a result. Find a good homeopath. There are charlatans so be careful. One who is also an MD would be useful. Easier in Europe. In Italy where i live half the year, you can buy homeopathic medications as most pharmacies.

    Good luck.

  • Merci Garance.. take care hein? bisous, baci, besos, musus

  • Thank you for sharing <3 I'm not depressive but I've had at least three friends with the same struggles and this helps me understand them a lot better! Hope you're feeling amazing soon!

  • mary ruth October, 1 2018, 8:09 / Reply

    as always Garance you deepen and inspire us. There are some people who simply cannot take anti-depressants. There are good double blind placebo controlled studies (though small) on some natural ingredients. The best I’ve found are on saffron — this one is a comparison to Zoloft ( Akhondzadeh S et al. Comparison of Crocus sativus L and imipramine (Zoloft) in the treatment of mild to moderate depression: a pilot double-blind randomized trial. BMC Complementary and Alternative Medicine 2004. 4:12). There are others on saffron as well compared to placebo. Talk to your doctor. There are options.

  • Dear Garance, Thank you for sharing your struggle with depression; I believe it will help many women to come to terms with their own experience. Living in honesty with oneself, not apologizing for one’s fragility is an important first step in the healing process.
    I too am a European living in the States and while my own depression stems from childhood trauma, it is certainly exacerbated by being surrounded by this “excited show host” culture. I am not referring to Oprah in particular but rather to the “everything is always amazing!” messages that have now become magnified through perfect Instagram photos (it used to be just magazines)–I simply find it exhausting, as if I can anticipate that the high will come crashing down. We all are so desperate to have witnesses to put a stamp of approval on our lives and forget that we are the key witness.
    I remember thinking you were depressed when I saw the video of you with Violette–I recognized that look in your eyes. I am so glad anti-depressants are working for you. I have tried several and they all give me nasty side effects, but they have worked wonders for friends. Therapy, meditation (exhausting the circling thoughts by keep on going back to the breath and thus cutting them off) and self-care.
    I wish you all the best on your journey! With love…

  • How brave you are! Thank you for an insightful and honest description of a tabu, but common illness. So wonderful to know there is help, and that it is important to ask. Your profile highlighting depression is nothing short of fantastic. Again, thanks. With the very best wishes…

  • C’est beau, c’est touchant, ça me parle, ca m’emeut. Je me suis reconnue.
    Bravo pour votre courage et votre franchise. Et merci.

  • Dear Garance,
    I am writing to thank you for this post.
    Your writing made me feel close to you even though you are million miles away. You are open and relatable and unafraid. I would like to congratulate you on your courage to stain your perfect image and communicate a difficult and painful message.
    I want to thank you for giving others permission to feel like that. And admit it. And do something about it.
    I want to thank you for making me feel not alone in this world; for making me realise the extent of this problem. A few years back a person close to me went through depression and I know well the reality of the situation; the processes it entails. According to my experience a big part of depression is focusing on the black. Despite the fact that every vibe doesn’t have to be black the person suffering is unable to escape. Realising they are not alone helps a lot. Discussing it facilitates the exchange of ideas and evolves the process of healing.
    Finally, I want to say that I hate depression because it appears when it doesn’t have to. It undermines lives and creates problems and it’s so damn difficult to get rid of it. It is possible though, and I believe that any available means towards this is acceptable, be it yoga, psychotherapy or pills prescribed by a doctor. The point is to move on.
    Thank you Garance for allowing me to feel fragile.

  • Dominique October, 15 2018, 5:53 / Reply

    Merci d’avoir partagé votre expérience Garance. Il faut du courage pour en parler ouvertement comme vous l’avez fait. Je suis moi-même en thérapie pour le moment – pour apprendre à me reconnecter avec moi-même et intégrer (en moi) que je suis une belle et bonne personne. Ma thérapeute m’a recommendé un livre fabuleux du chaman Luis Ansa, La Voie du Sentir. Je vous conseille vivement ! Belle journée !

  • Merci pour tes mots, Garance. Ils arrivent dans une période où j’ai besoin de sentir que je ne suis pas la seule… c’est aujourd’hui, alors que j’ai quitté un boulot nocif (Après 1 burn out et 1an et demi de réflexion) et que je réalise mon rêve (voyager à travers l’Italie pendant 5mois) que je me sens au fond du fond comme jamais… Et je m’en veux à mort de ne pas être en train de gambader dans les champs de tournesol en souriant et en jetant mon bonheur au monde (sur IG). Car ma réalité est bien différente de ce que j’avais imaginé et de tout ce que les gens projettent et fantasment sur mon aventure.

  • I am still trying to come out of the darkness. Some days I almost feel like my old self but then some kind of fear and despair washes over me… and I hide away.
    Thankyou for being so honest Garance
    Diana x

  • “I was no longer feeling strangled by my narrative….” I wonder how many of us feel exactly the same.

  • Ana Paula October, 22 2018, 9:32 / Reply

    Merci de partager ce moment. J’avais besoin d’entendre que je n’étais pas seul.

  • <3 je suis si touchée par ce que tu as traversé, et mon coeur se réchauffe en même temps… je suis moins seule. Merci d'être toi, tu m'apporte beaucoup de bonheur, dans les bons moments et les moments difficiles depuis de nombreuses années ! Je t'envoie de l'amour et des calins !!

  • Dear Garance,
    I have loved your writings and your sketches for so many years. Your charm and your lovely personality have inspired my heart again and again. Thank you for sharing so honestly about your struggle with depression. Your courage will help many. I too struggle with depression. I’m so thankful you found a marvelous doctor and that the low dose meds have been so helpful. Sharing your experiences so directly and so thoughtfully has blessed me and encouraged my heart.
    Wishing you all the very best,
    Cindy

  • Dear Garance, thank you for sharing your struggle with depression. I had the same time a depression… your courage will help many and encouraged my heart!
    Danke, merci, thank you so much, big hug, take care
    Esther

  • tari wilde November, 13 2018, 4:21 / Reply

    wow did i need this. thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you…. i literally had just come out of a dr appt (where i unexpectedly broke down sobbing… when i thought i was there to get a flu shot) when i found this gift of a post/article… but apparently i need alot more than that darn flu shot… this is exactly, exactly exactly how i have been feeling for about a year now. your words are such a gift. thank you for the honesty and bravery. love love love, t

  • Thank you so much for this <3 only reading this now, having saved it in my safari tabs, but could not have been a better and more needed time..thank you <3

  • Thank you for this post. I really needed to read this today.

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