Where’s the fucking rock? Seriously where’s the fucking roll?
Ooops, sorry for the language. But wait, you’ll understand where I’m going with this in just a second.
I’ve told you again and again and again—right now I’m changing. It’s good, it’s great, I feel like it’s for the best. But nothing has ever scared me more.
It’s like entire layers of my personality are crumbling away, and I’m not too sure what I’m going to find underneath.
My personality. It definitely wasn’t a given—it took me years to construct, and now it’s packing its bags.
Me. Me. Me—messy, goofy, creative, anxious, extreme partier, obsessive, curious, slow moving, always five pounds to lose, incapable of self-discipline, funny, punctual…
Me, basically. The me I was used to. Then recently, I found a new me. I started eating differently, really taking care of myself, and the changes weren’t even complicated, they just kind of miraculously became part of my routine. I managed to quit smoking, pretty much without trying. I started to realize that meh, partying I could save for special occasions. I barely drink anymore. One glass and I’m totally gone which is what happened the other day at Chris’ parents’ house, hmm.
I’VE BECOME BORING, basically.
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Because on top of all that, I’ve started to find a new balance deep down. I’d been looking for it for years, through the people I met, the things I read, my random healthy practices. Well, seek and ye shall find. I’m learning to say no. I’m developing my own art of living, and the beginnings of my own spirituality. I don’t believe other people know better than I do what is important for me, and I don’t believe in the shiny things anymore—I’ve learned to see through them.
SO ANNOYING, this girl.
I feel profoundly new, but the thing is, this new version of me, I don’t really know her. It’s like when a friend changes, and you’re not too sure how to take her, you know what I mean? You know you still love her, but you’re not sure if she’d still want to come scream with you at a Band of Horses concert (“No thanks, I prefer the ballet now”)
I’M NOT QUITE TO THAT POINT, I’ll go see Band of Horses AND go to the ballet.
So there are still a few things I’m attached to. Parts of my personality that aren’t going anywhere, even though deep down I’d kind of like them to go away too. To leave room for new things, new challenges, new obsessions. My messy side, for example. Those eternal five extra pounds. My anxiety.
Sometimes I feel like I’m one of the girls I used to make fun of (in a nice way). Hey girls, I’m drinking matcha and I love it!!! I finally understand how important exercise is! I meditate like crazy! I even do VISUALIZATIONS and I can talk about it without turning red! I’m kind of afraid I’m turning into Gwyneth Paltrow…and the worst part is, I love Gwyneth. I think she’s great, imperfect, interesting.
The other super interesting thing is, all of this is kind of happening away from my blog: deep changes like this are pretty much impossible to document.
Because watching your foundations crumble is incredibly confusing, even though I know we all go through phases like this at certain times in our lives. People talk about adolescence as that critical time when we become who we are, as if we were going to be the same forever after that. That’s what I used to believe, but it’s false. There are tons of adolescences in life. And each time, it’s the same dizzying changes, the same uncertainty, the same fear of disappointment.
These changes almost always come with a lot of pain—I told you about my burnout here and there, and even though I minimized it at the time (that’s another one of my personality traits that’s finally changing: the tendency to think I’m a lot stronger than I actually am), I realize now how painful it was, how deep it went, and how that was probably one of the most down and miserable times of my existence.
Then, imagine keeping a blog and having to talk about wooohoooo faaaashion at times like that. Nothing could seem more futile. You see things from a different angle, and you wonder about your limits, how long you’ll be able to keep up the illusion and hide your tears behind a big smile.
But without getting too melodramatic, it takes a little perspective to be able to have a sense of humor about your own situation, to be able to dive happily into the futility of life. The person I was before, I know her by heart, I was super comfortable managing her. Self-deprecation came easily to me without me even having to think about it. With this new version that’s not fully formed yet, I’m still exploring, still questioning.
What I always liked the most about myself, and what I always want to keep, is my laugh—my ability to not take myself too seriously. I like that even more than my creativity. It’s my protection and my joy, my survival suit. It’s helped me navigate through my life, and most of all, to survive the last ten totally crazy years without falling into the trap of a) believing my own hype or b) getting eaten alive by the hard, superficial side of the fashion world and becoming just another alien with too-colorful accessories, constantly shrieking with joy and wearing an ultra-bright fake smile at all times.
So when I started to change, that’s what scared me the most. Can you be balanced and funny at the same time? Can you be spiritual and make fun of yourself? Can you make peace with the world and also be sarcastic?
The answer is sometimes no. Sometimes you have to leave your sarcasm in the closet. And hope it will be there when you get back…if you go back.
But at the same time, I didn’t have a choice. My old systems weren’t working for me anymore. I needed to evolve, or I’d be stuck in an eternal loop—in the quagmire of sadness, fear and anxiety I’d found myself in. So at one point, I just had to say too bad. If my sense of humor has to go too, so be it.
We’ll see what’s waiting on the other side.
It’s strange being a public figure, especially if, like me, you don’t really have a filter on reality. And you’ve made that your job. Changing suddenly becomes a kind of scary black hole that could take everything along with it. But you end up telling yourself, well why not? After all, if it needs to go, let it go.
I’ve evolved so much right before your eyes. I’ll talk about this again next week because I’m working on a retrospective for you. The blog is ten years old. And it’s not a blog at all anymore, of course, but it’s still the place where I first started telling you my stories, or well…just telling you about my life. No fuss, no pretenses, no expectations, just the pleasure of sharing.
There might be less fucking rock and less fucking roll, fewer cigarettes and hangovers, less fashion hysteria (everyone is just as sick of that as I am, anyway) and more Kombucha (just kidding, I actually have no idea what that is, but it sounds very New Age) but maybe something else just as interesting will emerge. Because one thing I’ve always known will never leave me is my desire to share and write, my taste for mutual understanding, and for style and beauty.
So there you go. This is kind of a strange post to write—almost premature, since I don’t really know what’s going to come out of the chrysalis yet, but what I do know is that all I want is to own and honor the person I’m becoming BECAUSE THE SPIRIT OF MADONNA, who seems to be stuck in an eternal loop, IS WATCHING OVER US ALL.
Ahh I’m kidding. I love Madonna and even though I would have liked it if she chose to age differently, I’d like it even more if we all respect her choice and leave her alone, goddammit. She’s the first interplanetary pop star, and deserves our eternal respect.
So I’m handing it over to this new me, and we’ll see where she takes us. I’m confident about it now. And I’m even super excited for the future again.
One last thing – if there’s one thing that hasn’t changed, it’s that I hope my words and explorations help and inspire those of you who feel a little lost, because those moments come often in life. I wrote my first book for that reason, and I also want to keep the conversation going with you. We had a group chat last week on Facebook, and we’ll probably do another one next week, but if you have any suggestions for other ways we can connect and share, I’m all ears. And I send you all big hugs and kisses.
Translated by Andrea Perdue