confiance en soi self-confidence garance dore illustrations

3 years ago by

“The secret to style is self-confidence.”
 

Ok, fine. It sounds like an Instagram quote. But that’s what Emmanuelle Alt said to me one day when I was interviewing her and, at the time, like I always do when faced with a deep thought, I think I was like: “Oh yeah, sure, of course.*”
 
Emmanuelle is the perfect example of self-confidence. She has a clear, personal style that doesn’t change very much with trends. She’s got this way of holding herself, an allure, she’s the kind of person who is just herself. 
 
But, deep down, what is self-confidence really? 
 
I can always identify it in other people, but in myself I only notice when it fluctuates, at best.
 
You all know how easy it is for me to make fun of myself and you also know my insecurities – I’ve never tried to hide them, for the pure and simple reason that I think we all (even Gisèle) have moments when we just feel kind of meh about ourselves. 
 
Ok. Not hiding your insecurities, being able to make fun of them – that’s already proof of pretty solid self-confidence. In general, what I tell myself is: 
 
•   We never see ourselves as we really are, so you shouldn’t hesitate to listen to other people (the ones who love us) and take their word for it. 
•   We all have insecurities. Sharing them and taking them with a sense of humor makes life much sweeter, and much easier.
 
That’s how I built my self-confidence – and, even so, I still have moments when I dream of having someone else’s body (or apartment, or hair, or intelligence, or #perfectlife).
 
There also are times that just lend themselves to ruining your self confidence, and I’m trying to learn to anticipate them, whether it’s the first few days at the beach, fashion weeks, or waitresses in restaurants in New York**.
 
Those are the times when you leave the house full of confidence in yourself and in life, but then your SC (self-confidence, yep, that’s the way it is in the US – everyone abbreviates everything, so let’s go with it!!!) crumbles right when you need it most. That’s when my SC and my insecurities go into a battle worse than GOT (Game of Thrones, kids) and I come close to having an NBD (Nervous Break Down, of course).
 
Here’s an example (I’m going to put my SC in bold and my insecurities in italics).
 
 “Shit, I’m not dressed well enough.Yes you are, come on. Everything is fine. It’s not your style to be over dressed. No, but here’s the real problem. I’m just not skinny enough. The same thing happens every time. I arrive, I feel pretty good about myself and two days later (or two minutes later, if I’m trying a bathing suit on in a badly lit dressing room) I feel huge. I need to take control of my life. Yeah, but not really. You know Fashion Week isn’t real life. Plus, you don’t have a skinny model body. You’re more athletic, but it’s okay, it’s pretty! Yeah… “athletic” but that’s not the body you’re “supposed” to have. Well, then maybe it’s time to change things! Yeah, but… Shit, that person has more Instagram followers than me. Ok, but it’s fine, I mean – she’s been in the same room as you for the past hour, and she’s done nothing other than pose for Instagram. But you talked to people, you were actually living life, real life, IRL. Ok, sorry, but does real life actually have any value? Seriously! Yeah, it’s cynical. But it’s true! Come on, that’s ridiculous. Do you hear what you’re saying? Just be yourself and stop looking at what other people are doing. It’s ugly. I know! That’s exactly what I was saying. I’m ugly. I knew it! I’m horrible!”
 
We’re so dumb sometimes.
 
I mean… If you’ve never had these kinds of thoughts, or if you’ve never compared yourself to other people and never flipped out about being “too much” or “not enough”, please give me your therapist’s address. I’ll sign up right away.
 
The truth is, doubt and insecurity is just part of who we are***.
(Well, according to the people who know me, and I include you all in that group, my dear readers – I fell into doubt and insecurity when I was a little kid, actually.)
 
But the good thing is, I learned to stop the flow of negative thoughts. It doesn’t always work. But I’ll either sit down for five minutes and force myself to say positive things: “Remember who you are. Remember what you love. That’s great. Good job!” (Yes, I know. It sounds like Doctor Oz, but it works, I’m not kidding!!!)
Or I’ll manage to stop the flow by just stopping it. I literally put a “No Entry” sign on the road to self loathing. It’s crazy, I know, but it usually works. I just short circuit my own breakdown. I say NO, and I force myself to think about something else.
 
I was talking to my friend Lauren (we always have long, passionate conversations about love and we even thought about making our own podcast…) about that yesterday.
 
I was telling her about that weird moment when, with a man you love, you lose your self confidence and you start wanting him to reassure you of his love, or of how beautiful you are, or about your shoes, your cooking, or anything and everything.
 
I was just coming out of one of those moments, and I thought I’d actually handled it pretty well.
The spiral of doubt had lasted two weeks. At the end of the first week, I had a mini-breakdown. (“Do you love me? Tell me you love me.”) And, after that, feeling a little embarrassed, I decided to concentrate on my work, my friends, and my own life. I focused on those things as much as I could.
And it worked.
 
I realized how childish it is to imagine that the person you’re with can make you love yourself. Besides being childish, it’s an illusion.
 
First of all, that’s asking a lot of someone.
And besides, no other person can love yourself for you. So you have to learn to love yourself, and the rest  falls into place naturally.
 
That’s what my friend Lauren was saying after a discussion with her guy friends, who were all wondering why they fell in love with funny, cool girls who seemed really confident, and then a few months later, they found themselves having to reassure them about everything and deal with crazy bouts of jealousy. I don’t know if it’s really a “girl thing” or if it’s just something everyone has to go through in a relationship. But I’m not a stranger to the idea.
 
Self-confidence, love for yourself – it’s something you have to find within yourself. Create safe zones for yourself according to your own needs. When loves gets complicated, you have to find yourself again in your work, or with your friends, and vice versa.
Go after those things with all your heart. Be totally invested in the present moment, recognize the energy that different aspects of your life bring to you. Have different sources of joy and cultivate them with intensity, whether it’s your job, a love interest, a passion you have, or a child…
 
There’s a study (I don’t know if you’ve seen this TED talk, but this woman is great) and she says that the times when our partners feel the most love for us is when they see us busy doing something else, when we give our total attention to other people, or something we are passionate about, whether saving lives, cooking, singing in the shower, or just doing something with an open heart. 
 
But not in those very egocentric moments when we’re full of self doubt or feeling negative and introspective.
 
When I try to guide my thoughts that way, and not let myself be too self-deprecating, it helps me to come back to my life with new intensity. After a day of working really hard, I miss my guy, and I think about seeing him and how he’s doing, and not just because I want him to make me feel better about myself. 
 
It’s the same when it comes to style and insecurity about your appearance. 
 
The idea is to be totally yourself, to cultivate your own life and your own passions, to accept and try to understand your insecurities, but not let them take up too much space. Decide what to wear in the morning without worrying too much. Have a few outfits for the “meh” days, and laugh about the days when you mess up.
 
Work on accepting yourself as you are, take care of yourself because your body will totally make it up to you, and also make sure to choose your words carefully – don’t tell yourself things you would never say to someone else. (Would you tell your best friend she was fat? Stupid? That no one loves her?)
 
Every single day, find love within yourself.
 
Because as we all know, that’s what makes other people love us too :)

 
 
——————
 
* I love quotes, but I think we’re starting to get sick of them, don’t you think? 
 
** I’ll tell you about that next week. 
 
*** I mean, especially when you live in a world of perfection topped with the New York Fashion Industry. 
 
Translation by Andrea Perdue

119 comments

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  • loved reading this…very essential for girls/women to have SC!! I am now 50…and I think with time, things really do get better! Since I was in my late 30’s all those self doubts went away. So getting older has a lovely bright side:)

  • Jane with the noisy terrier June, 16 2015, 3:42

    I agree. I think self-confidence definitely is a benefit of getting older and caring less about what others think. To quote the ever confident RuPaul, “If you can’t love yourself, how the HELL are you going to love somebody else? Can I get an amen?”

  • BGINSING June, 25 2015, 9:46

    I agree SC definitely comes with age and learning what our priorities are in life. As far as living life vs. Instagram, when I no longer have the privilege of walking the earth, I’d rather my loved ones look at a situatation and say “She’d have loved/hated/fixed that” rather than “She’d have worn (whatever) and posed that way”.

  • Corinne June, 16 2015, 9:41 / Reply

    Bien d’accord. De se juger fait partie de la personnalité de toutes les personnes «performantes» et je crois que c’est aussi ce défaut-qui-est-parfois-une-qualité qui nous permet de nous dépasser au travail. Le problème c’est qu’on ramène cette même performance dans toutes les sphères de notre vie, par réflexe? Par besoin? Très bonne lecture en tout cas, merci d’avoir partagé.

  • Garance,
    Do a podcast! I know, everyone has one, but I produce food radio and TV, and I love your work, especially when it is this candid and authentic. I love what I do, but I would offer free podcast advice if you ever need it. I know, you have lots of offers and fans, and it is crazy to offer, but I have been a daily fan for years, so if you need a sounding board, always here. I love your work.
    xm

  • Tes paroles sont divines et ton style d’écriture est inégalable.

  • Merci Garance pour ce post qui tombe à pic dans ma petite vie! Keep going…!

  • Très bel article dans lequel je me retrouve parfaitement (niveau dénigrement).
    Ton analyse juste et bienveillante me donne envie d’être plus indulgente avec moi-même.

    Amélie
    https://charlesrayandcoco.wordpress.com

  • C’est assez dur ce besoin de se comparer tout le temps. C’est ce qui nous flingue.
    Parce qu’on regarde le mieux des autres / parce qu’on regarde pas le bien qu’on a en soi / parce qu’on aimerait pas le bien que l’autre a en fait parce qu’on aime pas les mêmes choses in fine / parce qu’on arrivera pas au même résultat parce qu’on est différent dès le départ dans nos parcours / … tout ce qui fait que se comparer est débile.
    Avec FB, Instagram, la tendance à la comparaison a été accentuée parce qu’on peut voir chez les autres (son intérieur, son mec, ses vacances, ses lectures, ses robes, ses idées, ses amies : TOUT…)

    Et on se compare à toi.

    Mais super idée de se trouver son moyen d’arrêter le flot des pensées négatives. Je vais y penser.

  • Je me suis reconnue dans beaucoup de points et il en est un tout particulier auquel je ne peux dire qu’un grand oui : vivre nos passions. Lorsque l’on est passionnés, lorsque l’on s’investit, on gagne une sorte d’inhibition qui repousse toutes les frontières qui bien souvent nous privent d’oser le reste du temps. On a tellement envie de mener à bien ce projet tout particulier que le reste ne compte plus, à commencer par nos doutes. Et je trouve ça fantastique. Alors, mon remède pour la confiance en soi – en plus de l’amour que mes proches me témoignent et qui est a la base de tout, les jours avec comme les jours sans – c’est de faire vivre ce que j’aime, de faire ce que j’aime, d’apprendre pour le faire, de déplacer des montagnes s’il le faut mais d’avancer. Et toutes ces petites choses facilitées par la passion, tous ces petits gestes faits dans cet élan, je me retrouve capable de les faire petit à petit dans d’autres domaines de la vie. Comme un cercle vertueux qui d’un aspect bien particulier, rejoindrait les autres, contaminerait son entourage, se propagerait peu à peu en rendant la vie un peu plus douce.
    Merci pour ce joli billet <3

  • Très inspirant ce post!!!! Merci

    http://www.lesminibijoux.com

  • Vanabee June, 16 2015, 10:13 / Reply

    Eh bien merci Garance pour ce post, j’ai des entretiens d’embauche ce soir ET demain soir ! Et, alors que je n’ai pas “besoin* de ces jobs, je cherche juste à trouver mieux que mon travail actuel, donc tout est dans mes mains, je doute, me sens tout à coup trop ronde pour mon pantalon, pas assez chic etc…

    Du coup je vais essayer d’y aller avec un max. de confiance en moi afin qu’il voit ça plutôt qu’une fille “bien lisse et parfaite” mais sans confiance en soi ni personnalité…

    Et après tout c’est comme ça qu’ils doivent m’apprécier – enfin c’est un peu prétencieux je suis pas si top non plus…. (Non stopp au dénigrement je suis au top ! etc…. ;-)

  • “Mon pire ennemi, c’est moi “, phrase que j’ai lue il y a bien longtemps mais qui me revient souvent surtout lors des moments de doutes a propos de tout et de n’importe quoi.
    J’essaie de faire preuve de bienveillance et d’amour a mon egard en me disant que la premiere personne qui compte dans ma vie…..c’est moi et le reste suit ! Il y a une expression en anglais “healthy selfishness” qui m’a pris du temps a comprendre et qui veut tout dire. Si l’on n’est pas heureux avec soi-meme comment rendre heureux ceux qui nous entourent ?

  • Je suis d’accord avec vous. La confiance en soi il faut la trouver en nous et ne pas attendre des autres une sorte d’approbation. On attend peut-être pour rien, alors que c’est lorsqu’on si attend le moins que l’on a les plus beaux compliments et là ça fait de belles surprises.
    Je pense qu’il faut juste rester soi-même et ne pas essayer de porter “un costume” qui ne nous ressemble pas. Et la confiance suivra. ET de toute façon les flops vestimentaires ne font que nous rendre plus fortes.
    http://thesubtlite.com/

  • Quel bel article Garance. J’ai l’impression de retrouver ton ecriture du debut. Tu es vraiment une personne inspirante et ton style permet a toutes de se reconnaitre dans tes propos.
    Cet article tombe a pic dans ma vie et je vais appliquer tes conseils des maintenant.
    Merci pour ton magnifique blog, une jolie parenthese dans la journee.

  • Ce texte ne pouvait pas tomber à un meilleur moment.
    Merci pour cette inspiration d’air frais, c’est tellement rassurant de lire qu’on n’est pas seule dans ses doutes.
    La prochaine fois que tu as une battle interne : doutes VS CEM, souviens-toi que tu as réussi à insuffler un élan de confiance à plein d’inconnus, ça devrait mettre tous tes doutes KO ;)

  • Laurence D June, 16 2015, 10:32 / Reply

    Très intéressant et qui tombe à pic aussi pour moi!
    Il y a un psy américain qui dit des choses très intéressantes à ce sujet. C’est Irvin Yalom. En France vient de sortir au cinéma un doc (un peu soporifique, mais quand même intéressant…) sur lui:” Irvin Yalom, la thérapie du bonheur”. J’avais peur que cela ait ce côté gnangan et horripilant de la psychologie positive, mais non. C’est un type (de 80 ans) plein de nuances. C’est “qu’est-ce que je dois faire de cette année qui vient pour que ma vie soit sans regret?”

  • Clotilde June, 16 2015, 10:33 / Reply

    Est-ce que c’est moi qui rêve ou je lis ici de plus en plus d’articles parlant de “pression” et du regard des autres ? Il faut vraiment s’en défendre en effet, s’en détacher, c’est très toxique.

    Bien sûr on peut tous avoir nos petits moments de faiblesse, de doutes, mais il ne faut pas les cultiver. J’ai eu un de ces moments à propos de mon travail il y a quelques mois.
    J’ai fait deux choses: d’abord une liste avec tout ce que je savais faire et tout ce que j’avais fait de bien pendant toute ma “carrière”. Cela n’a aucunement résolu les problèmes actuels, juste changé la façon dont moi je me voyais. Et ça a suffit à me rassurer.
    Et puis j’ai commencé autre chose à ce moment-là, au début inconsciemment sans doute, mais maintenant je pense que j’avais besoin de me prouver quelque chose : j’ai décidé d’apprendre à nager le crawl sérieusement, de façon efficace et sur de grandes longueurs.
    Et j’y suis arrivée, en quelques semaines. C’est assez trivial comme objectif, ça ne changera rien à ma vie, je fais rire mes collègues lorsque j’arrive en criant au boulot “je sais nageeeeer le crawl” (ils sont quand même bienveillants pour la plupart), mais voilà, de petites choses suffisent parfois à redonner de la confiance en soi.
    Maintenant, il faut que j’apprenne à le nager VITE, ça devrait m’occuper quelques temps ! ;)

  • GARANCE and TEAM and READERS…….. WATCH THIS VIDEO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vMdSdNPL6YA

  • Garance, Have you ever read any of Eckhart Tolle’s books? Even if you need to read passages more than once (or ten times) to understand what he is trying to say–I have to say he makes more sense than any one I have ever read or talked to –the key is living in the now–or as I heard from someone–you cannot relive the past or worry about the future because you can only be in one place at a time–and when you think about it if you are not totally in the now –you have missed it!!

  • I agree with Jenny, things will get better as you grow older. It really is a shame though, that you have to go through the insecurities when you´re young. Sometimes I look at photos of myself when I was about 30, tall and skinny with lots of long shiny dark hair and amazing skin. But I was so full of insecurities and self-loathing, always putting myself down and trying hard to find every conceivable fault with my looks and personality. What a waste og energy and precious time!

  • Wow.. I am totally going through the same thing right now. I just broke up with my partner of 7 years, and am realizing I was much to clingy on the self-confidence part. I constantly needed reassurance.
    I always thought it was because he wasn’t giving me enough love. Perhaps it was more my problem, then his.
    Since I’m alone i’m finding myself again, and this new found confidence sure feels good. And I can image how this is attractive to people around you..

  • delphine June, 16 2015, 11:01 / Reply

    Woh. Mais who!.. J’ai l’impression que ce texte a ete ecrit pour moi.. :) Il arrive pil au moment ou je traverse une periode difficile de doutes. Quel booster! Quelle energie dans le texte. Merci merci MERCI!

  • Garance, the reason we all love to read your blog is because you have the self confidence to show your insecurities for all of us to read and relate to, and we love you when you do that!
    Keep writing!
    xo
    Colleen

    http://www.blushandbeyond.com/makeup/summer-beauty-bright-lip-and-glowing-skin-video/

  • Yes!

  • AMEN !

    (quand je lis ce genre d’article, je me dis que ton prochain bouquin sera certainement un régal…)

  • J’ai commencé par penser “ouais, facile quand on s’appelle Garance Doré, qu’on est super jolie, super bien roulée, qu’on bosse dans la mode, qu’on est le type même de la nana cool qui réussit tout et qu’on obtient tout ce qu’on veut” et puis je finis l’article en pensant “Bien ouais, mais elle a juste COMPLETEMENT raison”. F…k cette fille est trop cool, merde ! Même la détester on peut pas…

  • Garaaaance ! Je reviens juste du photographe car il me fallait une photo magazine pour une (courte) interview pour un magazine économique (ce qui est génial je suis super contente !!!). Et voilà j’ai envie de pleurer car je me suis toujours trouvée moche sur les photos et là ca ne râte pas, l’ai fatigué, je ne me reconnais pas, c’est pas moi, il manque ma joie de vivre, ce qui fait que les gens le suivent etc. Du coup j’ai envie de pleurer parce que je ne sais pas sortir mes tripes face à un objectif, parce que va circuler une photo de moi que je trouve nulle, où je me trouve molle et tout. Je sais pas si je dois en refaire ailleurs, si je dois lâcher du lest et accepter, ou… :((
    Voilà mon problème de confiance en moi du jour. Et c’est quand que tu viens en Europe (surtout en Suisse en fait) pour faire des clichés de nous en studio itinérant, comme quand le studio Harcourt était venu quelques jours à Genève, tu vois ? Toi tu sais sortir le beau ou la joie des gens, j’adorerais voir ce que ton objectif pourrait sortir de moi !!
    Voilà… Ton amie Lauren a l’air super super gentille, et je ressens toujours de la tristesse qui sort des photos que tu as fait d’elle, c’est la timidité ?
    Gros bisous. Oui j’ai envie de de faire des bisous parce que voilà ca me met du baume au coeur en crise de manque de confiance en moi (c’est quoi déjà l’acronyme ?)

  • Wow… C’est tellement vrai tout ça!
    Je recommence (depuis hier… quel timing!) un livre qui m’a toujours fait du bien “FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY”, et Garance tu vas prendre peur (ou pas. moi j’aime bien ton coté “gourou moderne”), mais c’est exactement ce qu’elle dit!!
    Bref, cette petite voix intérieure qui nous dit qu’on n’est jamais assez mince, qu’on n’est jamais assez bonne au boulot, qu’on n’a jamais assez de likes… grrrr Cette voix!
    Mon idée du bonheur: arriver à pouvoir taire cette voix quand elle se pointe et plutot écouter celle de mon chéri, de ma mère, mon meilleur ami ou même de ma gardienne… comme par hasard ces voix sont presque toujours bien plus positives que celle qu’on a en boucle dans la tête!
    Alors oui à une vie en gras et stop aux italiques!!! :)

  • “You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
    Gautama Buddha

  • Salut Garance,
    Tu sais quoi … tu nous donnes confiance en NOUS !
    Et j’espère que nous en TOI ;-)
    Keep going
    Biz Anne

  • Pour certaines d’entre nous il faut effectivement régulièrement se dire qu’on peut se permettre ce dont on a envie. J’en fait partie, et je ne maîtrise pas encore cette confiance stylistique :combien de fois je tombe sur une pièce ultra cool, que je me verrais porté MAIS dans une autre vie, avec un autre entourage, et sans le regard des autres…

  • I think there can’t be an overdose of quotes. I might pin up on my inspiration board this one: Cette manière de se tenir, cette allure, celle de quelqu’un qui ne s’excuse pas d’être là. :)

  • tellement VRAI!!! merci G.!

  • Ghislaine June, 16 2015, 12:14 / Reply

    Intéressante l’orientation que prend certains de tes articles, tu vas de plus en plus au delà de la mode, la beauté et leur façade (certes bien agréables), pour creuser un peu plus et comprendre ce qui les constituent en autres (ma phrase est longue, est-elle bien claire là? ;) ) …Ce que tu écris est très juste, en tout cas je le ressens ainsi. Très bon post Garance.

  • amazing article…just what we all need to read….THANK YOU xoxox

  • I THOUGHT I WAS ALONE! Thank you for letting me know that other women also experience these ridiculous moments of insecurity when our poor patient partner (PPP) has to reassure us about pretty much everything… The knowledge that this is not a product of a diseased brain, but something normal (if annoying) really helps! I feel more self-confident already :)

  • This post rings so true. And it brings to mind, of course, RuPaul, who so wisely says: “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else, can I get an amen?”

  • MERCI Garance, tu es revenue à la vie, putain t’es une fille géniale mais quand j’ai lu tes articles depuis Cannes j’ai fuit ton blog car tu n’arrêtais pas de te dénigrer, alors que j’adore ton style, et ta nouvelle styliste elle est sympa mais elle t’as juste filer une robe noire, c’était pas toi, et franchement cette nouvelle Garance over maquillée coiffée j’avais pas envie de la connaître pcqu’elle était pas réelle. Moi ce que j’ai envie de te dire Garance c’est je t’aime tel que tu es <3 Viens sur Marseille pendant l'été voir tes lectrices, on s'occupera de toi et on te fera oublier les névrosées newyorkaises qui n'ont que le yoga et instagram dans la vie, on est pas qu'une apparence putain, je dis pas qu'il faut se négliger mais une personne est belle par plein d'aspect, on est pas qu'un chiffre ou une taille, quand on croise une femme belle dans la rue, on se demande pas si elle fait du 44 ou du 36 on la trouve belle point barre.

  • therese June, 16 2015, 12:53 / Reply

    I always see you as this amazing inspiration. These are the best posts because we get to see you as a fellow human being with all the flaws and insecurities. It is a reminder to all of us that we all have those days.

    SC and self Love are the two most powerful qualities that anyone can have. It does get easier as you get older but I do have to remind myself that I am wonderful and am grateful for the person that
    I have become. We take on so much in life and eventually it molds us in to this beautiful exciting person with a lovely story. Beautiful!

  • THANK YOU for sharing so openly – we all have the “SC” or lack of xoxo

    Warm Regards,
    Alexandra
    http://www.littlewildheart.com

  • I want to go drinking with your SC. She sounds like the best friend ever!

  • Jennifer June, 16 2015, 1:34 / Reply

    These posts are so reassuring that we, us women, are not going through life alone with these thoughts, feelings, emotions. At some point, or a lot we all feel like this. And I whole heartedly agree it gets better with age. I wish many times over I could tell my 15, 21, even 30 year old self that its going to be ok, it will get better and that you are so much better then you give yourself credit for.

    This weekend I was going to a party. It had a theme and I had visions of a flowly maxi dress maybe even a flower in my hair. I pulled out outfit after outfit, dress upon dress, I hated it all. I was too fat, too pale, too blah. I was about to give up. I threw on white shorts and a surfer, beachy looking poncho. I was still not totally convinced but it was the first time I looked in the mirror and I liked what I saw. I threw on a bright lipstick and ran out the door. When I got to the party, every women their had on the same thing…a printed dress with flowers in their hair or white jeans and a pretty printed top. It made me feel even better, that I figured out how to be me and feel good and not fall into whatever else did, even if it was by accident. Since then I’m trying to give myself a big break and celebrate the good things and dress to feel like an amazing me.

    thanks for always inspiring and sharing so honestly. I adore your work!

  • bavarian_blue June, 16 2015, 1:35 / Reply

    What you said in the end it’s true: be careful about your thoughts -they will form your words, be careful of your words -they will form your actions, be careful of your actions -they will form your attitude, be careful about your attitude- she will form your character.

  • Je suis évidement complètement d’accord avec ça et j’aime toujours autant te retrouver ici ! Tu es vraie et sincère, ça ne change pas ! C’est clair que le phénomène de comparaison s’est amplifié avec les réseaux sociaux, sauf que ce que les gens donnent à voir est totalement scénarisé et n’a pas grand chose à voir avec la réalité. Il faut se détacher au maximum de ça et suivre son chemin sans pression. Bon j’avoue qu’il m’arrive aussi de céder au dénigrement puéril, dans ce cas il faut se déconnecter ou stopper les relations toxiques pour revenir à l’essentiel, les gens qui nous entourent et nous aiment.
    http://www.mode9.fr

  • Oh my goodness. I loved the inner dialog. I have very similar dialogs. You’re right we’re over the cheesy quotes on social media. You’re loved Garance.

  • Rosana June, 16 2015, 1:48 / Reply

    Looking forward to reading about the NYC waitresses…

  • Alice R June, 16 2015, 1:49 / Reply

    Ca fait du bien à lire … Timing parfait!
    Bises

  • Caroline June, 16 2015, 1:53 / Reply

    I was reading what you were saying about yourself, thinking to myself “how absurd, how could she believe she’s fat?” and then, I figured it wasn’t the point. You aren’t fat, but you don’t need me to tell you so.
    So, long life to passions, to passionate people, to self-loving. And now, we simply have to figure out how to love one’s self…

  • Je te lis depuis des années, mais ne commente pas souvent.
    Mais là, je suis un peu OBLIGÉE !
    Car ça me parle énormément tout ce que tu dis, et pour cause : j’ai écrit cet article il y a déjà quelques mois : http://www.charlieoplumes.fr/la-vie-la-vraie/humeurs/de-la-douceur-bordel/
    Et tout au long de ma lecture de ton article, je me disais : “bah oui, mais la méditation, ça aide…” :)

    Voilà. La méditation est la solution à tous mes problèmes. Et moi aussi je suis tombée toute petite dans la marmite du doute, j’ai mis des lustres à comprendre que j’attirais les gens maltraitants parce qu’ils me font penser à ma mère et que, du coup, ça me sécurise, en fait… BREF ! C’était pas gagné, la confiance en soi, l’amour de soi, la douceur… Mais cette fois je le sens, je suis sur le bon chemin ! :)
    À bientôt Garance et take care ! of yourself ;-)

  • Ana @champagnegirlsabouttown June, 16 2015, 2:09 / Reply

    It’s fake it until you make it for me. English is not my first language and when I’m on my feet in a courtroom I sometimes feel like an impostor. But I pretend I’m confident, sometimes it works sometimes less so. I guess it gets better as we get order though. I care less and less what others think of me :)
    Ana
    http://www.champagnegirlsabouttown.co.uk

  • Nataly June, 16 2015, 2:29 / Reply

    Beautiful written! Thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts!

  • Garance merci d’exprimer si simplement nos (petits) tourments quotidiens !

  • I am having my car serviced- I’m in the waiting area and feeling self conscious because I have gained a few pounds and feel FAT. Then I read your post, sit up straight, smile and look forward to the rest of my day because you know what? Garance ALWAYS makes me feel better about myself. Your generosity in sharing is why I recommend this site to so many women- Thank you Garance XO

  • patricia June, 16 2015, 3:00 / Reply

    Self-confidence is not a superficial thing and should not be defined by your looks or the clothe you wear. you gain true and lasting self-confidence through life experiences by overcoming difficulties, by knowing and loving yourself, by being comfortable in your own skin. As Diane Von Furstenberg puts it, ‘the most relationship is the one you have with yourself’ ! love yourself, love your life, follow your heart and passions, do not seek approval or validation from others, when you can do all these, you have confidence.

  • merci pour ce post ! il fait du bien. :)

  • This post is an eye opener for me! I have been learning about self compassion and focusing on “being in the moment”, so this is such a positive reinforcement of how to further recognize my individuality and SC! The TED Talk is amazzzzing, too! xo

    (=’.’=)
    -Lauren
    adorn la femme

  • Guillemette June, 16 2015, 3:54 / Reply

    Merci, tout simplement.

  • it really is all about self confidence — sometimes as women we get in our heads

    http://hashtagliz.com

  • Comme m’avait dit une amie (une vraie) : “Il faut que tu sois encore plus bienveillante avec toi-même que tu l’es avec les autres”.

  • as always you are so right! “We’re so dumb sometimes.”

    i have learned that being honest with yourself is a vital part in being self confident. as well as doing / giving yourself what makes you feel good. if you want to get a buzzcut (like me http://madeau.com/2015/04/27/why-did-you-shave-your-head/) because it makes you feel good then do it and don’t care about what other people think, and say. but like you say, of coooourse there are moments when i wish i could throw it over my shoulder…. “like that sexy girl over there just did…..”. in those cases i remind myself that comparison is pointless and a brutal attack on ones self.

    ladies, we are strong and beautiful just don’t forget tho smile that will make you shine more than aaaaall those other girls.
    http://madeau.com/tag/smile/

    love and light,
    madelaine

  • Always love you’re very real and wise words! xox

  • the dialogue with yourself (“Shit, I’m not dressed well enough.Yes you are, come on. Everything is fine. It’s not your style…..”) is just too familiar!

    i have come to the realization that if you know who you are…. reeeeeally know who you are then you can find confidence and have influences shape you like a stone is shaped by water.
    http://madeau.com/2015/06/16/like-a-stone-in-water/

    merci, for yet again for your honesty and wisdom,
    madelaine

  • Birsen June, 16 2015, 5:00 / Reply

    Really liked this post, very touching and emotional. It’s a big issue for every woman or girl, you showed it up perfectly. Thanks for this :)

  • Thanks Garance! We all need to be gentler on each other I believe. There’s a zillion opinions and the only one that really counts is our own.

  • Alana Veira June, 16 2015, 6:48 / Reply

    I love this post. I love your blog and sense of style and approach to fashion. We’ve all had days when we don’t feel 100% it’s easy to doubt ourselves. I sometimes go to places feeling good and someone might look at me in a weird way and my confidence is completely shattered. What I’ve learned is that even if someone hates what you’re wearing it doesn’t matter. All the matters is how you feel about yourself. There will always be someone judging you.

  • Chrisanthi June, 16 2015, 7:31 / Reply

    Thank you for this amazing article my dearest Garance. Love you :)

  • It really does get better with age. Granted, I don’t work in the fashion industry which must be crazy-making with all the beautiful and well-dressed people, but I do work in the film industry, and while not the same, there are some similarities. Lots of young beautiful people around all the time, and often cool Europeans, beautiful Asian and South Asian men & women, etc etc etc. Now that I am 48, I find that I spend less time judging myself around these people and more time appreciating their beauty or style, or whatever it is that I find special about them. And a few years ago, I started stopping other women, young and old on the street, to tell them how great they look, or that I love their outfit, if I find something interesting about them. It feels good to tell people that they look great. You can see in their faces how shocked they are to be stopped and told something nice about themselves, because it’s just not something most people do or are on the receiving end of, and because no one sees themselves as clearly or with the kindness that others see them. Every time I do it, I feel so good that I made someone else feel good.

  • I LOVE this post! Thank you, it’s come at just the right time today.
    xx

    (And no wonder I have such trouble meditating… all those voices in my head too!)

  • I heard a great quote that fits this: Don’t think less of yourself, but think of yourself less often.

  • Merci G.

    This is exactly what I need at this moment. Sometimes we all need a little reminder of who we are and what is best to do at this moment.

  • Caroline June, 16 2015, 11:24 / Reply

    Moi j’ai besoin du meme article, mais pour mes premiers cheveux blancs qui apparaissent en masse, HELP!!! Vous les assumez, vous?

  • I love the text and the fact that I’m not the only person in the world to have such childish ups and downs. I have exactly the same feelings when I think I look good and then just like that I feel ugly and not -in-the-right-place! And I also seek reassurance of my own SC in my husband. That’s incredible how women from around the world are similar. ..

    http://lifestylebyola.blogspot.com/

  • marie75anne June, 17 2015, 2:10 / Reply

    Tu vois garance ce que j’aime et qui est unique dans tes posts c’est la légèreté qui cache la profondeur.
    C’est un peu comme si tu tendais une main, tout en douceur vers une autre destination.
    Merci pour le voyage !

  • Je suis tout à fait d’accord ! C’est très vrai, tout ce que tu dis, surtout ce qui concerne les relations amoureuses !
    Heureuse, toujours, de te lire,
    Victoire
    http://www.victoirefa.com

  • Nous devons tous être plus doux sur l’autre, je crois.Il m’a donné quelques bons conseils?
    http://www.eusine.fr/

  • J´aime bien cette article ;)

    xx

    Mónica

    MES VOYAGES À PARIS

  • Amélie June, 17 2015, 3:45 / Reply

    Un post à lire et à relire. Merci Garance

  • taimemode-fashionblog June, 17 2015, 4:26 / Reply

    Love this drawing, love your blog and your sense of humor, so rare in articles nowadays :)
    Bisous from France, *-* Sand *-*

    Taimemode-fashionblog

  • Bonjour, merci pour cet article enrichissant et inspirant ! Belle et lumineuse journée à vous

  • eliselavy June, 17 2015, 4:47 / Reply

    A la lecture de ce post, je ne ressens qu’agacement.

  • Très bon article xx Mais plus important : OUI AU PODCAST !!!

  • Très joli billet, si personnel. La bienveillance dont on nous rabache les oreilles partout doit commencer par celle envers soi. Pour garder confiance en soi, même quand on se fait licencier après 14 ans (licenciement éco donc rien à voir avec mes capacités, mais quand même, on se pose mille questions), même quand on rate son permis de conduire alors qu’on était archi prête…
    Tous les jours je me félicite de ce que j’ai réussi et pas à pas, je construis ou reconstruis cette confiance si nécessaire.

  • Nora Drannikow June, 17 2015, 6:36 / Reply

    Super article qui me parle bcp. En effet nous aimons mieux lorsque nous admirons l’autre; hors, c’est difficile d’admirer quelqu’un qui plonge dans les doutes.

  • I really like it =)
    kiss
    http://blamod.com

  • Ai-Ch'ng June, 17 2015, 7:03 / Reply

    Oh yes, yes – that nagging, near psychopathic inner kill-joy of a bad twin was a massive part of my life in my mid to late teens, and all the way through to my late twenties. Then I got pregnant with our only son. Naturally, all my favourite clothes didn’t fit anymore. And – wow – did the voice of that bad twin go crazy. Or rather, wow, did I LET that bad twin voice go crazy.

    Amidst all the self doubt came the reassuring voice of my husband (we had only been married four weeks when we discovered I was two and half weeks pregnant). As my body changed to house our unborn son, my husband would say, “wow, can you believe you’re carrying a whole person who will have hopes, dreams, nightmares, pain and happiness like we have experienced?” Then, when I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight, my tummy was still rounded and my hips fuller, and again my husband said, “Your tummy is like that because of its ex-tenant, who’s now sitting right there on the floor playing Lego. I love it”.

    And when he said that, I saw clearly that my perspective was the problem: I had let myself listen to the self-doubt. I then realised that even though my body was back at its pre-pregnancy weight within a very short time, I was the one who had not allowed myself to be happy with myself. And, I had allowed just those extra couple of centimetres determine my mood for the day… when there was so much else in the world for me to be happy about, and so many other women out there at the very same moment I was freaking out about my hip-to-thigh ratio, who were themselves craving to have a child of their own, fighting in dreadful battles, desperately trying to survive deadly diseases or poverty, or pull through shocking personal tragedies.

    What Madelaine posted – about “knowing who you reeeeeally are” – is incredibly beautiful: she is so right! We are fire, water, ice, solid matter, a bundle of electrical impulses… nothing more! And yet, we are also so much more, because we can create as you do, love as you do, weep as you do, celebrate, fear and dance and sleep and revel in beauty and empathise in sorrow and be outraged at injustice and melt when we see our mothers’ faces after a long absence, as you do – not just over a period of time, but all in the one day!

    And, more than anything, at any age – at any moment in time, WE bring contentment or turmoil to our own lives.

    Contentment – the silencing of that destructive voice – happens the very millisecond we decide that there is nothing worth worrying about, and that the best thing we can do for ourselves and others is, to do as that beautiful prayer asks: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change… and the wisdom to know the difference”. When we choose to listen more and more to the nurturing, calming voice, we will hear the destructive voice less and less. It will never be no more: but we will learn to know the difference between the Voice of Reason – or the Voice of Un-Reason. And, in doing so, we will lessen moments of self-doubt, and grant ourselves more moments of inner peace.

    I’ve found when the crazy voice strikes and I find it hard to stop hearing it, I get moving and get outside of myself, by doing something that involves all my senses and gets my body moving – whether it’s engaging with a colleague, dashing off a quick and an unexpected card for someone whom with I haven’t been in touch for a while, cleaning the house, going for a quick run, yoga, pulling out a few weeds in the garden… jumping on this blog :-)

    The times self-doubt tends to attack me is, when I am not present in the moment – perhaps not doing anything like waiting in between clients, or simply not being present and not focussing on the people around me, or immersing myself completely in the task at hand. That’s why I love getting my body moving – because when I do that, I find the inner chatter ceases completely.

    Age definitely does not always bring contentment: nor does it bring satisfaction to our lives. I have met many old people who are beyond regret, who are deeply unhappy and still terribly self-conscious and dissatisfied with their lives. It’s tragic to see that. Then, there are amazing people in their twenties I’ve met who posses incredible serenity and passion for life in all its forms: to be in their company is the greatest joy!

    We could take a leaf out of the books of babies! Babies and very young children are like little Buddhas – unaware and uncaring of others’ judgement. They don’t have a massive interior monologue about how big their bottoms look in their diapers, or whether they will embarrass themselves trying to say their first words, or how wobbly their walk or ungainly their crawl is. They desire change or they wish for an object to be in their grubby little hands, they do something to make it happen: if it works, great – if not, they simply move on! If babies can do that, so too can we, with all our accumulated years of experience. We just need to let go of our attachment to our physical appearance first and foremost. Then, we will dress, talk, interact, move, work, love – simply for the sheer joy of it. And, that whole inner battle between good twin/bad twin will be less and less – guaranteed.

  • Top post Garance! Merci

  • Tedore June, 17 2015, 8:41 / Reply

    Dear garance,
    this, your text is just another proof why you are the best.Thanks for sharing it!
    lov and respect
    T

  • camilla June, 17 2015, 9:12 / Reply

    merci Garance, ça m’a fait beaucoup de bien de te lire. pour ma part je manque de confiance dans ma relation aux autres, ce qui peut être source d’un grand mal être. Je fais de la méditation pour essayer de prendre du recul et lâcher prise mais ce n’est pas tous les jours faciles. Ta conclusion est je pense la meilleure : “tous les jours, trouver l’amour en nous”, en n’oubliant jamais la bienveillance…
    milles bises

  • Bien d’accord avec toi, la confiance en toi fait le style d’une personne. Merci pour ce texte encore très inspirant. Sur ton blog tu partage plus que des simple looks et continue car c’est ça que j’aime, qu’on aime.
    http://www.elygypset.fr

  • Okay, I have to know. Who does the graphics for your site?! I mean, the drawings. They are soooooo pretty.

    coffeeslag

    COFFEESLAG choices from the NetAPorter Sale

  • Billet au top G’ !!

  • Garance,
    Loved reading this and lately about how much in love you are.. I can hear it, feel it in your writing:) I’ve been reading your blog since my second year in university (yes, 2006 when you first started!! time flys!) It’s wonderful that you can share this feeling and even some moments of the two of you together, truely feel privelaged to read about it:) I can relate having recently met someone very special, also in the music industry. There’s something about fashion and music that seem to go in tandem.. perhaps you can write a post about it? Looking forward,

    xx,
    Anita

  • <3

  • elisabetta June, 17 2015, 11:17 / Reply

    I love this post. I love every words you used to explain your thoughs about “love yourself”. I really liked. You are a bright person!
    Bisou

  • Wow Garance! I loved that post so much! I’m so glad you decided to tackle this issue, as I guess it sounds familiar to most of us. For me, constantly comparing yourself to other people is incredibly self-depreciating. And I must admit, I’m guilty if this a lot. It’s especially difficult to handle in the world of social media, when you see those beautiful and successful people all the time. But posts like yours make me realize that even the people that I admire have insecurities. It’s such a relief :) You made such a great statement at the end, that we shouldn’t tell ourselves things that we wouldn’t tell someone else. That made me realize that I often try to be nice to complete strangers, but I’m so harsh on myself.

    Thank you and have a great day.

    Joanna

    http://stylestandpoint.com

  • Charlotte June, 17 2015, 3:09 / Reply

    Best thing you ever wrote in your lovely blog! Merci beaucoup, Garance!

    Greetings from Bavaria

  • Teresa June, 17 2015, 3:18 / Reply

    A.T. (absolutely true) Garance!

  • Gabriela S. June, 17 2015, 3:21 / Reply

    C’est comme si tu as pris mes pensées et leur as donné de vie! C’est ce que tu fais au quotidien sur ton blog et c’est exactement la raison pour laquelle je le trouve incroyable!

  • I love this so much!!!
    I’m a Love Coach and I actually JUST posted a video about this — well, about taming that Fear Voice (okay, actually “F*ck that Fear Voice” — let’s be real) — but that is so, so connected with confidence, in getting in our own way, in needing external validation. We don’t HAVE to have it — we can be our own best cheerleader if we can shut that Fear Voice up.
    http://www.heather-allison.com/aboutlovecoaching/#anchor

    I would LOVE to talk with you more about this, too, actually. :)
    xo

  • Elisabeth June, 17 2015, 6:01 / Reply

    Really needed this today! And fyi, I always say WOW when you’re in photos. Don’t let the skinny (ahem: control freak/New York) mentality get to you! If you’re healthy and strong, you’ve done all work beauty requires! Go, Garance!!

  • Blaise June, 17 2015, 9:39 / Reply

    This ==> “I realized how childish it is to imagine that the person you’re with can make you love yourself. Besides being childish, it’s an illusion. First of all, that’s asking a lot of someone. And besides, no other person can love yourself for you. So you have to learn to love yourself, and the rest falls into place naturally.” <3

  • Coucou Garance!

    Cela fait un plusieurs années que je suits ton site.C’est la première fois que je commente.
    Je me suis décidée à intervenir car ton article me touche particulièrement aujourd’hui.
    Pendant toutes ces années tes articles m’ont suivis et motivés.Il m’ont également inspirés et permis de m’évader.
    Tu as partagé avec nous tes doutes, tes joies, ta vie.
    Je voulais te remercier.Je traverse une période difficile après un burn out.J’ai réussi à me motiver pour chercher à nouveau un emploi.
    Je dois rappeler un recruteur ce matin et vraiment ton article tombe à pic.La confiance en moi est un cheval de bataille pour moi que je dois vraiment travailler.Surtout aujourd’hui.Je dois m’aimer car personne ne le fera à ma place.
    Merci pour tout, toi et ta fabuleuse équipe.Merci de rester toi même dans un monde aussi perfectionniste que la mode NewYorkaise.
    Plein de bisous à tous le monde!

  • paxton June, 18 2015, 3:28 / Reply

    1 you can’t make anyone else love you..they either do or they don’t.
    2 if they don’t, leave them.
    3 get on with your life
    4 put work first and money. Life is not about love…we’re conned into believing that because it sells stuff…

  • Please do a podcast on this topic!

  • Micaela June, 18 2015, 7:36 / Reply

    I can totally relate to what you’re saying. For me, more than physical aspect, I doubt myself in every aspect. I get in a place where i think i am inferior to everyone else and i’m not worth of anything. Even when looking for a job I think I’m incapable of doing the tasks asked and then I get so involved in these self doubts that I get so anxious that I end up not even answering the interviewer’s call. I can’t really explain why I get this way. I’m trying to work on it.

  • Amélie June, 18 2015, 2:32 / Reply

    Merci Garance, C’est exactement pour ce genre de texte que j’aime ton blog depuis tant d’années !

  • Je dirai que tout ça est fluctuant, à mon avis, rare sont les personnes qui ont confiance en elle à 100%, tout le temps! La question de confiance en soi vient aussi de son éducation et de son enfance. Enfin, pour moi, le manque de confiance en moi vient de là. Après, c’est un travail quotidien à faire sur soi au quotidien :-)
    Eve

  • Garance
    Ce post est plein de bonnes ondes! C’est comme dans le film hapiness therapy:excelsior, on rassemble les pensées négatives en une grade montagne positive.
    Merci beaucoup pour ce partage

  • lOved this! Thank yOu xxx

  • Such a great post ! Very inspirational and interesting as usual
    Xoxo
    http://fashionbackyard.blogspot.fr

  • Ghislaine AI June, 19 2015, 1:56 / Reply

    Parfait cet article! Ca te boost la confiance la?
    Comme bcp d’entre nous j’ai vecu les meme doutes… A part tyraniser mon homme avec mon doute! Ha! Ben la je dois avoir une pensee positive et me dire que cest deja genial que je nattend pas de l’homme de me rassurer! Et c’est aussi aussi en te lisant que je positive! Moi obsessionelle du parfait et de l’idealisme! C fatiguant. Tu dois comprendre le travail que j’ai du faire sur moi meme pour etre plus indulgente et thankful…
    Mais la facon dont tu l’exprimes si facilement si simplement c genial!
    Merci et merci et merci!
    Ca fait du bien
    Life is a journey with yourself more than with anyone! Embrace it and honor yourself.
    On ne vit qu’une fois…
    Merci encor

  • This is one of my most favourite posts you’ve written. I have been saying for years that you need to be your own person and love yourself first and foremost. Having a partner is amazing, and having someone you love and loves you is the best! But you must never rely on someone else love for your happiness.

    Thank you for this one Garance!

    xo, em

  • I love that you wrote “Remember who you are. Remember what you love.” Remembering what you love is such a peaceful thought versus what you’ve accomplished. Thanks for this reminder! One love.

  • Garance, je lis tous tes posts. Celui-ci est le premier que je commente … so concerned ! Si bien écrit et si vrai. J’ai énormément de travail à faire encore (à 42 ans …), notamment en terme de self confidence sentimental ! a quand un post sur l’Amouuuuur à 40 ans, quand les préoccupations ne sont plus les mêmes qu’à 25 ans, quand on a “vécu” avant, parfois fait des enfants, quand on essaye de recommencer une belle histoire, voire recomposer une famille dans de nouvelles conditions … en ne vivant pas forcément ensemble, en imaginant des modes de vie plus “alternatifs” … J’adorerais avoir ta vision, celle de tes amies et amis dans ce cas là … kiss

  • Je n’ai jamais ô grand jamais posé la question “tu m’aimes ?”.
    C’est totalement inconcevable, les crises de jalousie très peu pour moi également. Je trouve cela effroyablement impudique et ayant grandi et beaucoup “traîné” avec des mecs, j’ai un peu pris leur façon de penser je crois. Je peux m’interroger mais je le garde pour moi et je continue. Lui est par contre du genre à me poser ce genre de questions ! Ça ne nous empêche d’avoir des discussions passionnées sur l’éducation, la psychologie, mais pour comprendre le monde, pas disséquer notre couple.
    “les moments où nos partenaires ressentent leur amour le plus fort, c’est quand ils nous voient occupés à faire autre chose” C’est tellement vrai !
    Quand j’aime l’admiration joue une grande part dans la fascination/adoration que j’éprouve pour l’être aimé (amoureux passé/présent, enfant, ami(e) etc…) : on est toujours heureux/fier de voir une personne qu’on aime se réaliser, non ?

  • self confidence is a really a important aspect in every ones life… without it we are nothing. if you have confidence in your self then you can do anything…
    books on confidence | self presentation book

  • But Garance, I would love to have legs like yours!

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