This summer, I lost some weight.
I didn’t do anything in particular, I just got lighter without even thinking about it.
In one month’s time, I got back to my normal weight, without doing anything at all, and since then I’ve stayed the same.
For those of you who follow me, you know this subject had actually been bugging me for the last few years – I had been going around with about 10 pounds more than I weigh now, sometimes more, rarely less.
It felt so weird to me – I didn’t really feel like myself. Even weirder since my New York friends hadn’t ever seen me any other way, so when I talked to them about it, they’d always say, no you haven’t changed at all, you look great!!!
I had tried a few things to get back to my normal weight (not skinny, just me) and we talked about it – but I’ll never be a pro at diet torture, and even less at juicing and all the other silly things I thought of at times, like when I had to fold my mauve leather YSL skirt and put it way in the back of my closet so I wouldn’t see it anymore, since it didn’t close anymore and I hated it, the stupid thing.
I tried to accept my new body (honestly, naked, it was rather pretty and sexy, just heavier and more difficult to dress up) and I did tons of exercise, but nothing changed the fact that I just didn’t feel like myself.
I know what you’re going to say.
With all the changes in my personal life lately, it’s not surprising you shed some weight. And you know what? You’re right.
That’s exactly what I want to talk to you about.
Not my personal life so much. What I mean is that my breakup is just the visible part of a much larger change of cycle. Not premeditated at all, but still pretty deep.
So the fact that I suddenly got myself back really made me think.
I thought about all the times I told myself I’d started the unavoidable weight gain that happens after 35 and that there was nothing I could do except become a crazy food maniac.
I thought about all the times I told myself that my problem was that I didn’t have any will power (I even tried to work on my will power and motivation!!! I bought a book on it!!!) and all the times I hated myself for that.
I thought about all the things I had held against myself when actually, it wasn’t really me deciding any of those things – that’s what I’ve finally understood.
Because actually, what happened is that my body was telling me (and others) something.
Not anything good or bad, but that during that time in my life (which was a great time in my life, by the way – just because you gain a little weight doesn’t mean you’re unhappy), that’s just the way I was, what I was manifesting.
I’m still really surprised when I weigh myself. I feel much better in my skin, much more myself, and I think it’s important to say that our bodies reflect the things we are experiencing in life. And if you’re feeling uncomfortable, there may be things to explore, if you feel ready, without stressing out about it.
To not automatically believe that our body is a battle field – but more a reflection of what we are inside.
There’s no point waging war against yourself, despite the many completely freaky examples of pregnant women going back to their natural weight two weeks after giving birth, or the pseudo-role models who show people how to conquer their bodies as if they were hostile territories to rule over, when in fact, it’s just a matter of communicating with yourself deep down. And of course, of looking at ourselves with kindness.
Translated by Andrea Perdue